The episode begins with Carrie saying that the most powerful woman in NY is the hostess at Balzac. (Is this where the local Milwaukee establishment of the same name got it’s start?) Apparently it’s the hottest new restaurant in town and “suddenly the only place that mattered.” Carrie and Sam are both there to celebrate the moment. What moment? The moment of their lives? The moment of the restaurant opening? And mattered to whom? I’ve heard that in places like NY and LA it’s all about the new hot place. So is this like when the Red Robin opened on 76th street? Or is it like “everyone goes to La Fuente’s on the weekends”? Is it that kind of a “the only place that mattered?” Sam and Carrie have already been waiting for 45 minutes and Sam thinks this is preposterous/humiliating – she asks, “don’t they know who we are?” Carrie’s smug response is “Who are we?” (Which, I must confess I was asking outloud at that very moment myself. “I own my own PR firm you write a newspaper column – this should not be happening.” Wait - isn’t that everyone in NY? I feel like everyone there is a somebody, or on their way to being somebody, or a former somebody – why does this give Carrie and Sam the right to a quicker table?
Sam can’t take it anymore and approaches the hostess. The hostess is wearing a very small hat on the side of her head. Picture if a hat from “The Music Man” mated with a hat from the cartoon “Hey Arnold.” She is also wearing a very disgruntled look on her face that clearly suggests that Sam informing her how amazing they are is not getting them a table. Now, because they are drinking martinis and it looks like a club on the inside, I assume they are out for dinner until they bail and it’s BROAD DAYLIGHT. On a work day. Sam goes on a rant about how she was that woman 10 yrs ago but wielded her power in a benevolent way. (no examples given.) She thinks that if the hostess were a man, not only would they be eating, but they’d be getting free drinks. (is that wielding power in a benevolent way or just being opportunistic?) They settle for lunch at a Thai place around the corner.
Carrie explores her “theory” about shopping as a way to unleash the creative subconscious by going (of course) shoe shopping. She’s wearing a spaghetti strap navy t-shirt dress whose straps look like they are held up with floss. No bra, as per her usual. She’d trying on the most god awful heels – a silver stiletto pair with the kind of purple floofy stuff on the toe that you only see in men’s fantasies of naked pillow fights. Her credit card gets DECLINED and cut up in front of her! But before she can even pout/look plussed/wonder what’s going on, a dark haired woman comes to her rescue saying “Scusa!” and buys her the shoes. She’s some friend of hers named Amilita (Carrie says, “classification: eurotrash but fun.”) She’s with a man named Carlo who is perusing the purses in another aisle “Wave to Carlo darling, wave!” She’s been Carlo for 2 months and I the shoes are really on his money. Amilita says she thinks Carrie is like her sister (even though they never hang out) She insists and explains that Carlo’s family owns a small vineyard in Argentina. They are staying at the Four Seasons even though she lives in New York because “I am a citizen of the world darling.” Carrie is sent off on her way with Ciao’s and shoes. As she exits, swinging her D&G bag, she says that she had all the Italian she’d ever need to know – “Dolce, Dolce, Dolce”
When she goes home she goes through her bills and THROWS THEM ALL IN THE TRASH. Um – hello? Your credit card just got CUT UP and you’re throwing out your bills and you’re NOT freaking out? Nice. She writes up some notes for her column about how she envies Amilita for her life of rich men, glamorous resorts and designer clothes (cue foreshadowing to the moment when she realizes her own life is enough?) She says Amilita doesn’t work but instead exploits her sexual power. She ponders where the line is between professional girlfriend and just plain professional. Ugh. As she types at the computer I can’t stop thinking of the theme song from Doogie Howser, M.D.
Cut to the girls playing poker and drinking beer. (Is this supposed to be a visual attempt to give them some sort of masculine power or do they play poker frequently as the show continues? Don’t answer that.) They have a round table discussion that reminds me of the scenes in “That 70’s Show” whenever they’d go around the table while the characters were high. Except no one is high. Sam thinks women have every right to use every means to achieve power. Miranda says “Short of sleeping their way to the top.” I can’t decide if Miranda is saying this sarcastically as if she’s recognizing that women can’t get away with it, or sardonically about Samantha specifically.
Charlotte then asks if it’s okay to gain a professional advantage based on charm? Supposedly Neville Morgan (seriously – are these characters straight out of Sweet Valley High books?) the notoriously reclusive painter came into her gallery. He meets Charlotte and immediately invites her to his farm upstate to view his work. She wants to go because it will be an amazing win for the gallery if they can get some of his work, but is it just a ruse for “holding his brush?” Miranda says they can sue if he tries anything – and says that’s the best way to trade sex for power. Oh that’s fantastic Miranda. Litigation is really just a red herring for the fact that your vagina has teeth.
The doorbell of Carrie’s apartment rings. Miranda says Carrie doesn’t need to get the door – it’s poor ol’ Skipper picking her up. Carrie says it’s adorable - he’s like a sweat little seal cub. As Miranda walks to the door she says “yeah that you sometimes want to club.” WOW. So this is how you feel about this poor kid but yet you continue to string him along. I hope those are just the mean sorts of things girls say when other girs are around and not the way you really feel/treat him. He’s an hour early and says he CAN WAIT IN THE HALL! Um – Skipper? Grow a pair. Thankfully Carrie invites him in, but Miranda says they are just leaving anyway. Miranda turns to leave and bumps into the eager beaver on her way out the door. She throws her arms up and gives her friends a look like “see what I have to put up with”? At this point I want to transport Miranda to 6th grade gym class and have her be picked last for every sport.
Carrie is going to go to bed, but Amalita calls and tells her to come out – there’s someone she MUST meet. From the sillouetted head – I guess it’s Big. She says she can’t b/c she’s pinching pennies but then rationalizes it by wearing the shoes. Amalita bought for her.
They are back at Balzac and the hostess is wearing a different and terrible mini-hat. Amalita meanwhile is wearing a bracelet that costs $12,000 dollars. (As in – she tells us the price of the bracelet – not that I’m guessing here.) She’s not with Big – she’s with some guy named Gile. But in my defense, they have the same hair from the back. He’s an architect from Paris in town for a couple of days. Amalita is smoking a cigarette on one of those extenders. Who is she? Morticia? I can’t stop staring at Gile’s large eyebrows. He orders another bottle of wine and Carrie makes a painful attempt at comedy “and what will the rest of you be drinking?” After dinner Gile and Carrie are out walking. I can never be sure if people are en route to a new location, on their way home, or just milling around outside or what. We come to find out that Gile is recently divorced with a five year old daughter. That’s his portion of being vulnerable for the night I guess. Carrie, meanwhile, admits she’s broke. I’m not sure I’d be sharing that with someone I just met, but whatever. As she walks around, she drives me bonkers with her coat falling off her shoulders like she’s his 5 year old daughter. She thinks she sees his red flags and feels she can’t go there. Her red flags, by the way are that he’s divorced, French, and uncomfortably handsome. Wait – what? How is being French a red flag? And uncomfortably handsome – I have to disagree – so far she has not been involved with one handsome man on that show. And this includes Big. And really – having a CHILD is not a red flag of some sort? I don’t understand. Maybe she thinks she’ll pull a Ms. Hannigan and send the kid to an orphanage if she has to? Then she says something about feeling like she could float and bam – we’re hit with a floating scene. Ugh.
As she’s getting dressed the next morning Skipper comes over claiming he is Miranda obsessed. She’s got a power over him and he can’t help it. I guess the sex is so awesome that it’s all he can think about. (Maybe it’s the teeth?) But they only have sex in the afternoon because she never lets him spend the night. Carrie suggests they spend the night together and not have sex. He admits that he doesn’t even shower because he likes to spend the whole day smelling like Miranda. Carrie stops holding his hand and looks at hers with disgust.
Carrie spends an afternoon with Gile walking through the park and I swear to God she’s wearing a blue muppet around her neck. They kiss and make out. It’s clear he wants to go further but she says she has a rule that she doesn’t sleep with men she’s only known a day. But then proceeds to do it with him because heck, it’s already tomorrow in Paris. The next morning he needs to leave for the plane and says she should stay in bed, order room service. “Relax – I’ll call you.” But he leaves and he doesn’t have her number. And she doesn’t have his. (But then how did they arrange the afternoon date? Smoke signals?) And then she sees an envelope on the dresser with a note – and $1,000 cash. NICE – now you’re a professional!
The note says “Thanks for the beautiful day.” She invites Sam and Miranda over to share breakfast and discuss. While Carrie is worked up about whether she’s turned into a prostitute, Sam is fixated on the part of the story where they were able to have dinner at Balzac. Carrie wants to know if the money is a compliment or an insult. She clearly wants to take it as a compliment (or just take the money period) or she would’ve ran down the hall after him to give it back. Miranda however says, “he paid in full – what’s to return anyway.” Ah Miranda – you always have those smarmy lines. So now Carrie’s a hooker with a passport in her friend Amalita. Sam says she doesn’t see what the big deal is - men give – women receive. It’s biological. (Oh lord.) Miranda then goes off b/c it’s the same logic men have been using since the dawn of time. (I can’t decide if I should thank Miranda for this rant or not…since it’s coming from Miranda.)
Meanwhile, Charlotte arrives at the painter’s house. He shows her canvasses that he thinks are the apotheosis of everything he’s ever done and the closest thing he’s come to god-force. Oh man – here it comes. It’s all pictures of “the cunt” in a very Georgia O’Keefe kind of way. He says the cunt is the most powerful source in the universe – the source of all power, beauty and life. Truth is found in the cunt. Char hates the C word and cringes everytime he says it. She then meets his wife who looks like a country academic. She’s got studious half moon spectacles and gray hair with clothes that she might have purchased at the Cedarburg Wine & Harvest festival. The wife gives her lemonade and cookies while Neville explains that each portrait is of a woman who has touched his life. He then asks her if she’d pose for him. His wife says, “I bet you have a beautiful cunt.” Oh lordie.
It’s another sat night. Back at Balzac. The hostess is wearing a hat with a bad tiger print this time. Sam says she wants to snap her like a twig. They run into Amalita with several other international folks. She gets offered to join them at a festival in Italy or Geneva or some BS. One of the men, Mario, pulls her in close. Then in slow motion, there is a shot of him grabbing her but. She pulls his hand away and says she must leave to join her friends, despite Amalita’s insistence and Mario’s offended look. She tells herself “Just b/c venice sinking, her morals don’t have to go with it.” So does this mean that she’s okay with whatever happened with Gile as long as she’s decided she won’t let it happen again? or does this mean she’s decided that she wasn’t a prostitute with Gile? Hmmm.
Up in the bathroom, the mean hostess with the bad hats asks her for a tampon. She then gives Carrie and Sam a seat, and after that they never have a problem getting a table at Balzac. (aah –the bonds of sisterhood that slay the evil witch.)
A couple of weeks later the girls all find themselves at Neville’s gallery opening, guessing which picture is of Charlotte’s va-jay-jay. Carrie, wearing some sort of weird kimono dress says she is speechless. I might be too.
PS. I love Doogie Howser, MD
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