Watch Date: 1/9/12
So…1 episode left in SEASON 1 people and I just couldn’t do it. Months went by and every time I thought about watching that last episode I thought of a million better things to do. But now...on a night when I’ve watched every other series I have in my apartment to completion, and knowing full well that I have an entire MLK day coming up that I could use for a marathon…I’ve decided to give it a final push to at least end ONE SEASON.
We begin with Carrie typing – Miranda is dating someone named Thomas John Anderson (and they only call him by all three names through the entirety of the show) an “up and coming playwright” not to be confused with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He and Miranda are in bed and he immediately hops out of bed after sex and go shower. They show Miranda getting’ it from this guy with lots of “Oh God’s” and beads of perspiration all over them. They show the big moment for them 3 times, each time with a close up on his face as he screams "Oh God." It's not gross at all. She decides to confront him about the shower and it turns out it’s a habit he picked up after the nuns told them that sex was a sin.
Carrie in voiceover: “Miranda suddenly realized, she was dating a catholic guy.” Carrie and she stroll along with lemon chills or some such thing and Carrie asks if the shower is a retro-baptism thing. Miranda says that if she’d known he was catholic she’d never have gone out with him – they should make them wear a sign. WHAT? I'm surprised by this. None of the characters have really broached the subject of religion before, so I guess the angle Miranda is coming from seems out of character. But maybe that's because I don't know anything really about their characters other than their sex lives.
Carrie in VO says “single people in NY don’t ask about religious background for the same reason they don’t ask about sex partners – the answer is too scary.” Miranda says he’s a totally logical, reasonable guy except related to this. And "leave it me to find the only religious guy left in Manhattan." I don’t get it…why is this a problem? Are none of them religious? Not that I have a problem with that....it's just...surprising. Even more surprising is that she would immediately reject someone just because they are. What skeletons of her past are going on there?
Carrie typing – "NY filled with places to worship but the only time she hears of anyone going into one it’s for a singles mixer." (Really?) Are relationships the religion of the 90’s? (ugh. These overarching questions of hers are always so friggin' groan worthy it's almost not worth the groan.)
Carrie admits to being raised in the religion of "smile nice and play well with others" and decides to go check out some of the traditional religions “in their natural habitat” – shudder. She makes a connection between God and fashion while she stands outside of a church, drinking her coffee and judging the folks who come out. You know - like real journalists and researchers.
"And SUDDENLY – there he was, wearing Armani on Sunday – Mr. Big." He’s with an older, sophisticated woman whom he kisses on the cheek before putting in a cab. She thinks it’s a shock b/c up until then she thought he only believed in the Yankees. SERIOUSLY DO YOU KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE FUCKING?!
He spies her across the street and comes over. He asks why she’s there and she says she’s doing research on closet Presbyterians. He says he’s an atheist but don’t tell it to the minister. (Their *banter* makes me want to induce vomiting and every time she says she’s doing research I just want to punch her in the face.) She asks who the mystery woman was. (Why does everything have to be drama?) And he responds that it’s his mother and he takes her to church every Sunday. She says she loves that and wants to know why he hasn’t told her. “well, you write every Sunday soo…” “so every Sunday church”? (Like it’s so hard to believe that you would do that for someone you love? Like a parent? Again, where are her parents? Have they both died? Moved to Namibia? What?) He says he’s got 20 min before his racquetball game, and they should get coffee. She says no – she’s on deadline and her cappuccino just kicked in – really? Really? You can't spare 20 minutes? She then turns and makes fun of him by saying, “God bless” in a breathy voice and waltzing away.
I HATE everything about this scene. Her presumption, her air of superiority, her judgment of him/it without any experience or knowledge, the way she MOCKS him without understanding where he comes from or why he goes. HATE.
She says "It’s one of those relationship moments when you feel like you know nothing about the person you thought you knew everything about." hahaha - yup. YOU DON’T!
At cocktails with Miranda & Charlotte. Charlotte looks like she’s a bridesmaid in a wedding with a green shimmery dress and an updo. Carrie is wearing a dress that is primary blue on the bottom and red on the top and looks like she’s ready to peel potatoes in Russia, but with lipstick on. Miranda looks like she came from work. As a man.
Miranda is giving the judgmental “He goes to church with his mother” face/argument and char is telling her not to listen to her b/c a man who cares about his mother makes a wonderful husband. Again – love how it’s automatically the leap to the altar ladies. Miranda says, “all religions are sweet until you get to that shower after sex phase” Apparently JTT or TJA or whomever is still showering. Carrie suggests joining him, Miranda says she’s afraid he’ll pull out garlic and a cross – so wait…now he’s not just religious but also a vampire hunter???
Char asks where Big's mother goes to church and Carrie responds that it's Park Ave Presbyterian, which Char claims is a good church, the best on the east side. And then Carrie says, “The thing is, I’m dying to meet his mother.”
Here it comes.
She’s going to do something ridiculous to run into them at church or insert herself in some way.
Char says “getting in on the good side of his mother is like closing the deal.” Are these women human? In which season do they start to have conversations with their significant others instead of with their lady friends?
Sam shows up to the party late. She's just had a 5 hour lunch W/some guy named James and claims she’s in love. Carrie equates Sam saying that she's in love to Moses parting the red sea. Oy vay.
Flashback to the "relationship" starting a couple of weeks ago (uck - cuz it's a relationship after a couple of weeks?) when Sam treated herself to a night of great music at a jazz club and gets approached by this guy who says he likes how she moves to the music. He joins her and afterward they walk and talk for blocks and Sam doesn’t ask him up. She shakes his hand instead and he asks if he can see her again. She says she had given up on men being able to talk to her other than saying “give it to me” and “go home.” She still hasn’t slept with him and she thinks he’s someone she could actually marry.
Carrie VO's that the idea of Sam getting married before Char does shakes Char to the core. She takes drastic action.....by making an appt for a tarot card reading. UUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH. Yup. That’s what I do whenever I’m in this kind of a bind.
BUT this lady is "Noni Stein – psychic to the stars", who lives in a brownstone between central park west and Columbus – does this matter to anyone who watches the show and doesn’t live in NY? Char goes to the appt again looking like a bridesmaid, this time in pink satin. The tarot reader doesn’t see marriage in her future b/c she draws three cards that add up to Char being an independent woman.
At Big’s apt they are eating pasta and Carrie says “who is this fabulous mother in the hat and when do I get to go to church with you two?” REALLY? Yup – cuz forcing yourself on his mother is the right way to get him to bring you. Maybe it’s a special time for the two of them? Mother/son time? Big leans toward the part of the conversation where she wants to go to church rather than realizing it’s b/c she wants to meet his mother – she says she’s not the antichrist, he says she’s not the church type. She immediately gets defensive and does the “what type am I” and gives him the serious face. HELLO – YOU WERE JUST JUDGING HIM FOR GOING TO CHURCH YOU HYPOCRITICAL CRAZY PERSON. He recovers by saying, the incredibly beautiful and intelligent type. He asks her what religion she is and she says she’s no one religion – open to all. Then she gets whiny, “come on, I want to go to church with you and your mommy” Did you just call someone else's mother "mommy"? That's not degrading or belittling at all. And he tells her, “well, it’s just a private thing my mother and I do, just the two of us.” Ha. Told you. she nods understandably but slightly pouty. Instead he asks if she wants to go to the Caribbean next week. She says she can get away but she can’t afford it. He says he’ll buy the tickets and she can buy him one big margarita.
Back over to Miranda getting pounded. After he’s done with his “Oh gods” she tries to force him to stay in bed by saying she wants to hold him. He’s clearly uncomfortable and she’s saying, “Isn’t this nice?” he doesn’t go for it and she says, “there’s nothing sinful about sex” and he goes OFF in a way that I love he's all sarcastic, “what are you going to tell me next, that God made our bodies and anything god made isn’t sinful? Ah! I’m healed! You’re free to go work with the lepers – thank you for saving my immortal soul.” Hahahahaha. Seriously – why can’t you have this conversation outside of bed and try to be productive about it instead of hijacking him and his feelings in the moment with your better than thou attitude?! He asks her to be gone when he gets out of the shower. Carrie says the same speech ends up later in his hit off-broadway play, "Shower of shame."
Samantha decides she is finally ready to do it w/ James. They exchange I love you’s and she tells him to unzip and get over to her. She then says she’s ready and "you can put it in" and he says “I am in.” Ouch.
Church street scene on a Sunday morning. Carrie and Miranda show up to SPY at church – both stick out like a sore thumbs since everyone is wearing black and they have colors on. Carrie looks like a mint green candy striper. They want to get a look at his mother and then go for eggs. Miranda is all pissy b/c she thinks all religions have been designed to “fuck up their sex lives.” Seriously - all of the arguments against religion and this is the one she's leaning on?
She sees him w/ his mother and thinks she’s fallen more in love with him. They all stand to pray, Miranda says they are out of here, and carrie drops her Hymnal onto the floor. OH yeah. They are standing on the balcony. Naturally everyone looks. And Big sees her. And so she waits after the mass. THEY WAIT AFTER THE MASS. She should’ve just left. She thinks she can’t pray and run. RUN GIRL. RUN. And maybe by the time he wants to truly introduce you to his mother she’ll have forgotten the incident completely. Carrie takes off her hat and approaches them. He introduces her as his “friend Carrie” – ouch. Carrie looks for a light of recognition but there is none. She even says as she shakes her hand, “CARRIE Carrie.” Like that should ring bells for his mother. When his mom leaves Big calls her out and I love it. She says, "My friend Carrie?” and he says, “You show up in church after I asked you not to, what are you trying to do, test me?” BAM! “Why the sudden interest in meeting my mother?” “Has she even heard of me?” “She doesn’t need to meet another girlfriend.” Yeah – that’s right. That's what he just said. You're asking him to define the relationship before he's ready. And before carrie gets all bummed out – he speaks the truth. You don’t introduce parents until it’s serious. Thems the rules. I don’t make em. And he says “I’ll introduce you when I’m sure. I have to do things on my timeframe.” She replies, “Timeframe? We’ve been going out for months.”
So here's my aside - Lemme break this down for y’all. “months” does not qualify as enough time for a dude to want you to meet his parents. And truthfully - after "months" you wouldn't meet mine either. Has it been a year? Then maybe. If it’s less than a year but a major holiday like xmas is coming up, then maybe. But months? Months is usually when the guy is just getting around to deciding he likes you enough to be exclusive - and if you're heading toward the 6 month marker, maybe he's figured out he loves you. You, meanwhile, (like Samantha) have decided to declare love after weeks. 1 month tops. You’ll only admit it to yourself and your closest friends, and they will convince you not to say it to him until at least months 3-6, at which point he will figure out he loves you too. We’ve all got our timeframes. The key is not scaring away someone who might be a little slower than you, and not hurting someone who might be a little ahead of you. Of course…it’d be ideal if you were on the same page. But let’s face it, this rarely happens.
He tries to assure her “we’ll get there. In a couple of days we’re going on vaca, we’ll have plenty of time to talk this over.” She gives him the “Go, just go” and she’s trying to sound breezy but she’s not at all. Now, I might hate SJP, but I will say that she’s pretty good at pulling the heavy heart routine. Big walks away disappointed, and I am seeing a set up for the off season that does not involve the two of them going on vaca together.
Miranda comes back to the church…Carrie tells her what happened. I want Miranda to say that she pushed it…what did she expect? She doesn't. NO one checks Carrie inn this episode, and I just want to cut them all. Carrie says, “I can’t get inside. I don’t know what else I can do.”
Later that night in the "church of disco" (literally a former church that is now a disco) Stanford hosts party to introduce a new fragrance called fallen angel. Stanford has a new boyfriend and Carrie says they worship the same god – style.
She tells Stanford she thinks the vaca is a consolation prize for not letting her in his life. I’m guessing Big thinks a vaca is just what he needs to determine if she’s someone he wants to introduce to his mother. But maybe that's me.
Miranda is at the bar and SKIPPER of all people approaches. Stanford apparently invited everyone in his rolodex. Skipper says he hoped he’d see her there. He says he’s been thinking about her since they broke up…ummm..yeah let’s go back to that. As I recall he stormed out on her right after sex…but whatever. She eyes up skipper while thinking of shower free sex.
Next, the girls surround Sam in the bathroom to ask about her sex life. She says it’s nice, but tells them that James has a "small dick. 3 inches. Hard." Char asks if he’s a good kisser and Sam replies, “who the fuck cares, his dick is like a gerkin.” She laments, "Why God why?" The girls say they've all been there. Miranda says he was with a guy that was the size of a miniature golf pencil and she could never tell if he was trying to fuck her or erase her. Miranda is all upset and talking about how much she likes a big dick and how when she blows him it’s nothing. I feel like Char is looking at her like “this could work for me.” Miranda says it’s the only thing she can’t talk about with him and Char asks, “how is he with his tongue.” Ba dum bum.
Char leaves claiming to go to another party but she goes to another psychic in a part of town that’s never mentioned in the New Yorker. *Gasp!* There’s a black woman smoking a cigar, chickens in the background, a statue of Mary, a Hispanic lady waiting, and a short white man “translating’ for the psychic lady. She presents an “egg” cracks it, and there's no yolk. This means she’ll never be married and furthermore, she’s cursed. For $100 they will remove the curse. (is this tarot card storyline supposed to be providing alternative options for religion? Loose.) She refuses to give in to the idea that she’ll never get married and decides she just needs to keep believing and it will happen.
Back at the club, it’s 3am and Miranda offers Skippy to spend the night. "The night? The whole night”? (goshy golly Wally. The whole night?) He says he knew they’d get back together. He says that every night he’d light a candle and say a little prayer. She calls him a freak. Yeah – that sounds like it'll be back to dysfunction inside of one orgasm.
Samantha goes back to James to try desperately to prove that love is stronger than sex. She cries the whole time and says it’s because she’s so happy.
Carrie says she stayed up all night questioning her faith in faith. Big shows to pick her up in his car and calls up to her window “hurry hurry hurry we’re going to miss the plane. She comes out, and he reaches for her bags and she says, "wait – put them down a sec.” oh lord. Here it comes.
She tells him she needs a sign b/c she’s losing faith. He says, “like what – a voice from above?” And she says, “Just tell me I’m the one.” HOW FUCKING DESPERATE ARE YOU? WHY WOULD YOU PUSH SOMEONE TO SAY THAT? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THE SECOND IT LEAVES YOUR MOUTH IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO SAY? She can’t even look him in the eye as she asks. “You don’t have to tell your mother or the whole world, but just tell me.”
He doesn’t respond. Some seconds pass. He tells her to get in the car. She says “I love you but I can’t.”
“So that’s it?” And, like a 5 year old who is being scolded, she pulls her shoulders in, nods her head, and sort of looks up at him and nods.
He sort of cocks his head like “is this happening”? and then proceeds to get in the car.
HOW MANY EFFING MELTDOWNS IS THIS WOMAN GOING TO HAVE AND IS HE SUPPOSED TO PUT UP WITH THEM ALL?
“After he left I cried for a week. And then I remembered that I did have faith. Faith in myself. That one day I’d meet someone who would be sure, I am the one.”
This EFFING SHOW.
What a disaster.