August 3, 2011

Episode 11: The Drought

Watch Date 7/25/11

Carrie narrates for us that NY city is all about sex: People getting it, trying to get it, and people who don’t get it. She says this as the camera pans the dating scene at some club/bar or another. “BUT,” she continues, “if you ever actually manage to get someone in bed, the real fun begins.” What does that even mean? Of course that’s where the fun begins. Cut to her spoon feeding ice cream to Big who is actually wearing old man pajamas. Seriously. Who wears those? They begin making out with ice cream in their mouths. Nothing says “gross” to me like swapping dairy products mouth-to-mouth. “After many weeks of sleeping together we are comfortable ACTUALLY sleeping together.” Okay, here we go. So this “real fun” she speaks of is the part about being in a monogamous relationship. I get it. She’s so cute. “It was nice. It was the way I always dreamed it could be.” I’m guessing she’s never been in a long term relationship before? (Note that “long term” here is still defined by “several weeks of sleeping together.” Gosh that’s so long term!)

The next morning, she wakes him up by kissing him. Just as he rolls over to enjoy her good morning, she FARTS. Oh God. She FARTED.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah! Fantfriggintastic! She immediately freaks out by putting her head under the covers and hiding her shame. Big says “it might be worse under there.” He laughs like a hyena as she stumbles out of the room covered in the sheet and hits her head on the door on the way out. Really? She couldn’t just laugh it off and apologize? She dresses to leave and what’s this she’s wearing? SKINNY JEANS???? They weren’t even around then! And they are so high-waisted they look like a jeans version of the pants that Olivia Newton Jon wore in Grease. They are cutting so tight into her anorexic frame that even she looks like she’s got a muffin-top. This KILLS me when I see thin women basically giving themselves body fat by wearing clothes too tight. GO FOR A FITTING for crying outloud! Picture this...but in jeans and WAAAAY less attractive:

But anyway… He calls out from the other room, “wait don’t you want some coffee.” She responds, “Gosh I’m late for a thing” and leaves his room. She resigns herself not to call him the rest of the day and she can’t stop thinking about it. Seriously? Seriously? You can’t stop thinking about a fart?!

The next day she realizes she’s being childish and decides to take the “grown up approach” by being in denial. How is that a grown up approach? She tries to talk with him over dinner about going to the Met. He asks her for more duck sauce…oh god…is he going to put a whoopee cushion on her seat? (PS – she’s not wearing a bra.) AND YES – CUE WHOOPIE CUSHION! He laughs hysterically and she grins amiably. She wisely narrates that every relationship is reality, not romance. Later, she saunters into his room wearing a black nightie and looking as anorexic as ever. He’s already asleep and says he’s exhausted and wants to call it a night. I don’t know why, but this amuses me. And this becomes the first night they sleep together but don’t have sex.

By the middle of the next week the situation has progressed from the first time to three times in a row. Oy vay. “Three times? Try three months” Miranda says. And then tells Carrie to wipe the horrified look off her face. They then debate whether it’s worse to NOT be doing it when you’re with someone vs. when you’re NOT with someone. This is where I have to take Miranda’s side, no matter what she says, because God forbid us single ladies complain you know. Whatever is going on in our lives can always be topped by our friends in relationships. Carrie then goes off about how she farted and that’s why they aren’t having sex and that he thinks of her as one of the boys (Wait – how do you figure that? He’s never treated her that way.) And then she says the thing that makes me gag. She thinks he’s perfect and she’s ashamed because she’s just a lowly human. Wake up woman! Geezus – she really has this guy on a pedestal.

Carrie keeps on about it. “Is it normal to be in the same bed and not do it?” CRIMINY I’d blow my brains out if these people were my friends. Miranda says “it depends on what’s normal for you.” TOUCHE MIRANDA. Way to bring this back to reality, which, one whoopee cushion ago, Carrie seemed to hold as her talisman. Miranda continues, “One month [without sex] was interesting, two was numbing, and three…I’m going out of my mind.” FOR FRIGGIN SERIOUS? THESE LADIES? Are they even ladies? Three months without sex when you’re NOT in a relationship…how on earth do you survive????

So now it’s stats time. According to the show, there are 1.3 million single men in NY and 1.8 single women and, according to Carrie’s calculations, only about 12 think they are having enough sex. So, she wonders, how often is normal?

Cue the street scenes!

“I have to masturbate three times a day just to make it through. Some ppl take coffee breaks, I take jerk off breaks.” – Man on street

They say the average 33 year old woman has sex 3.3 times a week. I’d like to know who that woman is.” – woman on street (who is friggin’ hilarious.)

“You know my wife and I haven’t had sex since the baby was born. The baby is applying to Yale next fall.” – Man on street

“One time a day. But two times on very special day.” – Woman on street. (not sure if this is supposed to be an attempt at some sort of racial joke, as the woman is Asian and they make it seem like she can barely speak English and is some sort of sex fiend.)

Sam says that “normal” is the halfway point between what you want and what you can get. This seems rational to me. Is it possible that I’m coming to like Sam?

Carrie asks her if the three nights of no-sex in a row is a problem and Sam says yes because sex is the “relationship barometer.” Carrie then musters the courage to tell her she farted in Big’s bed and Sam says it’s a huge mistake. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT A FART! Carrie says, “this is a watershed relationship moment – I’m never going to be able to erase it.” Really? If there is a man in the world who would not be able to forget a fart in bed if presented with the right amount of sex, food {insert ANY of his interests here}, I’d like him to come forward right now. Sam agrees with me and gives her the following advice: “Go over there and fuck his brains out – men aren’t that complicated. They are kind of like plants.”

Meanwhile, in the non-fart world, Sam propositions her yoga instructor while he’s helping her do her breathing and so they go for coffee. He looks kind of like a
jacked up version of Brian Bloom, who has done a lot of voice work for video games and cartoons, but I fervently remember from the hit 80’s move, “Dance til Dawn” which also starred Christina Applegate, Matthew Perry, Alyssa Milano and others. (I need to rewatch it and do a comparison to the recent “Prom” release!) But yeah…the Yoga guy tells her pretty much immediately that he practices “tantric celibacy” and he gave up sex three years ago. She says “My god why? Or more importantly….why?” He admits that in his old life he used to have it three times a day, sometimes with different women, but that was all ego and where he is now is so much better than sex. He starts turning her on right at the table by equating it to feeling like a 3 year pent up feeling of foreplay. She tries to lure him to the apt but he says “the only thing hotter than sex. Is not having it.” (Maybe he should tell that to Miranda.)

The next night, Carrie has dinner with Charlotte and immediately starts in on the big drama. Going over the play by play of what mood he was in every time they DIDN’T have sex. But when it comes to the part with the fart, she can’t bring herself to tell Charlotte. Seriously???? Char confided in you that some guy was pressuring her for butt sex but you can’t tell her about one small fart? That’s friendship right there. Hold it all back. Char thinks people put too much importance on sex. “Take Kevin and I for instance. We’ve been going out for weeks and we still haven’t done it.” She thinks he’s sweet because they touch and cuddle he respects her boundaries. I think it’s like hanging out with a G rated friend. I can’t believe Carrie couldn’t say that she FARTED. Grow the f*ck up Carrie!

Kevin, it turns out, is supposed to be meeting them for dinner and it turns out Carrie’s already slept with him 3 years ago. Not serious. When Kevin isn’t at the table, Char asks why they broke up and Carrie says it was because he’s a sex maniac. Hmmm…so should Charlotte be worried? Why is he okay with this “G rated relationship” then? Charlotte interprets his waiting as making him even MORE special since she assumes he’s massively into sex. Cue scene of Char in bed with this guy. But he stops mid sex-act to say he’s just not that sexual a person. She admits that Carrie called him a “maniac.” He says that was before Prozac. Now, nothing phases him. Char looks concerned.

Carrie pacing in her apt freaking out about going to see Big and NOT having sex. She’s wearing jogging pants so tight that again, even she looks fat in them. She’s debating even going over there. Across the way, she can see her new neighbors doing it up against a wall. She watches for a bit and then calls Big because her desire overcomes her fear. Okay call me crazy…but I think I’d be MORE embarrassed to admit to being turned on and watching the neighbors doing it than to farting in someone’s bed. AMIRITE?

Meanwhile Sam is out with the yoga guy. He’s reading her some BS about tantric sex while he has a hard on. She tries to go down on him – he doesn’t let her.
Carrie shows up at Big’s place all hootchied up wearing some skirt she likes that hugs her hips and says he doesn’t have a prayer. She comes in and lays one on him. He looks confused and says “come on in. I’m watching the fight.” Next scene he’s watching the fight and she’s draping herself all over him - pathetically. It’s round 4 of the fight with 1 minute left and she’s trying to get into his pants. She tries to block his view and he pushes her off of him. 33 seconds left and she’s still trying. It’s embarrassing. WHAT NORMAL WOMAN WOULD PURSUE THIS AT THIS JUNCTURE? He finally says, “Jesus Carrie, will you knock it the fuck off? I’m trying to watch this fight.” Hahahahahahahahahaha. She immediately gets up and does the “Fine I’ll leave.” He asks her what is wrong and she totally projects “Maybe I’m not perfect and I don’t fit in with your perfect life and your perfect pay per view fight and maybe I should leave.” YES HEADCASE. LEAVE. She waits outside for the obligatory “He’s coming to stop me 10 seconds.” He doesn’t. And he doesn’t even call to apologize. Alright, I don’t even like Big, but at this point, if I were him, I’d say “sayonara crazy lady!”

She doesn’t sleep all night and Sam doesn’t sleep either because she’s so horny.
Sam, meanwhile, rents a 5 hour documentary on the Nuremburg trial to get her mind off of sex. She’s walking to blockbuster in these HUGE OVERALLS and a doughty sweater when a construction worker cat calls her, “Hey gorgeous. Why don’t you drop this? I got what you want!”

Carrie takes on a home project to keep from obsessing. Doorbell rings. It’s Miranda. We are now up to three months and 1 week without sex. Hey wait – what happened to “Ed the accountant” from last time??? Miranda asks if Big called. It’s been 2 days and Carrie hasn’t heard from him. Carrie says it’s over and she should never have farted. I can’t even believe I’m still watching this show. Miranda, thank god, says “Jesus Carrie, I’ve heard enough about the fart. It’s not the fucking fart.” YAY!!!! Someone who sees reason! Carrie admits that she knows it’s not the fart – but she thinks she’s in love with him and she’s terrified he’s going to leave her because she’s not perfect. So then it all comes down to the age old issue of her feeling like she’s constantly putting on a show for him and she’s afraid that if he sees her the way she really is, minus the outfits and the poses that he’ll not like her for who she is. Okay, I get this. We all worry about whether we’re good enough and whether they will still like us if they get to know the REAL us. But did they have to keep going on and on about this flippin’ fart to make the point?

Miranda looks over and sees the neighbors doing it and the next thing you know all the girls are over and they are all watching WHILE THEY ARE EATING POPCORN like it’s a movie. Samantha says she’s standing firm on not doing it. Miranda thinks she’s given herself carpal tunnel (ew) and says, “Alright you guys – if I make it to 4 months…I’m humping one of you.” Watching the naked neighbors makes Char think it’s worth another try with Kevin because they like each other and that should be stronger than drugs. Oh Charlotte. Bless your horny and naïve heart.

Miranda goes back to blockbuster. The guy is there again, this time saying he’s got what she needs. Miranda gets in his face and goes off, saying that what she needs is to get laid. Suddenly he’s all “Geezus lady, I’m married.” I can’t decide what I like least about this interlude. The part where they make this married construction worker fit some stereotypical mold of gross, or the part where Miranda goes Kookoo-Lulu.

After seeing the neighbors doing it the night before, Sam goes to yoga and starts soliciting guys right on the yoga mat with a “Psst…wanna fuck?” One guy actually says no. The next guy says yes, however, and so she spends the rest of the afternoon doing it. Camera shot of the yoga instructor as a single tear rolls down his face.

Char positive she can break through to Kevin. She’s giving him a handjob while he’s got his arms behind his head asking if she’s getting tired. She stops and asks if he’d ever go off of the Prozac. He says no. She says, “even for me?” He says no and asks “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is kind and giving and not that interested in sex than with some unstable oversexed prick who just wants to get laid?” Oh man – there’s a question. And she says NO. He gets out of bed and leaves. OH MY GOD CHAR! You’re giving him up for sex?! I am suddenly reminded of the guy who kept trying to force Char to give him blowjays and how he SHE said, “you’re telling me you’d give up a woman who cares for you and would share all of your hopes and dreams and possibly be the future mother of your children for a blow job?”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Never saw that comin’. I thought she wanted a dream house and all of that BS?! What if this man is the one who could give her all of that?

Carrie says that her Saturday night dinner came and went with no call from Big so she continues to work on her cabinet project. But THEN he rings the doorbell. This might be the first time he’s been in her apartment, guys. He looks like a kid in a candy store. Wonder if she even realizes that she wasn’t allowing him access to her by cutting him out of that part of her world. She asks, “why didn’t you call?” He quickly responds, “Why didn’t you call?” Bam!– right back at ya! He roams through the apartment and says, “so this is where you live. ‘Bought time you invited me up.” She responds, “I didn’t invite you.” “I know,” he says, with an emphasis on the ‘know.’ See? He feels slighted by the fact that he’s never been asked. How seriously is he even supposed to take this relationship if he’s never been to her apartment? He says it’s a very nice place. She says “no it’s not. The floors need to be stripped, the curtains need to be redone. I need to change a lot of it.” “No no. I like it.” And ugh talking about the apartment is a metaphor for REALLY talking about her. Yup – next line – “I like it the way it is.” He asks her what the other night was about and she explains it away by saying she had a meltdown. He seems okay with it and doesn’t ask for more information. This would’ve been a perfect place for her to admit her fears, tell him she cares about him and is afraid his sexual rejection was indicative of a rejection of her/the relationship. But…nope. Big’s character is too suave for that kind of honesty. He then notices the couple humping outside the window and Carrie narrates, “all I could think was, “why aren’t we having sex. Is this normal? What’s wrong? Where are we going?” God. Is she 12? Open your bloody mouth and talk to him! He looks at the humpers and then looks at her and says “hell, we can do better than that” and leans in for a kiss. And that, my friends, is all it takes. Add bad jazz and end scene.

OH SWEET LORD this episode was about a fart! (even though I know it wasn’t.)

One more to go.

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