May 4, 2011

Episode 9: The Turtle and the Hare

Watch date 3/17/11
What’s that you say? I watched this episode over a month ago? Yes, I know. Pathetic? Also yes.

We begin with Carrie saying that in a city of perfect people, no one was more perfect than Brooke, an interior designer who only dates A-list guys. Again with the job listing? So is she perfect because she’s an interior designer? And why is NY a city of perfect people? I thought that was L.A.? And what’s with the fascination with perfection Carrie? So apparently Brooke, the perpetually perfect and single woman gets married, shock of all shocks, to a man she once described as “more boring than exposed brick” who also happened to be an old geezer. The shame! What could possibly be her motivation? Do we see a gold digger settling down? Will Carrie end up being envious of Brooke’s new boring lifestyle?

The wedding is your average wedding for $150/head with lots of proper socialites and yet somehow Carrie, Sam, Miranda and Charlotte are there. No idea how they know Brooke or why. We do know that Carrie’s gang looks like “The Witches of Eastwick” by comparison to the rest of the guests simply because they are all wearing various black dresses….


Hmm. Maybe that's pretty spot on. Miranda’s hair looks spectacularly like she just got out of bed. And who knows? Maybe she did. They all get stuck at a singles table that’s really more like the “kids and dumpy people table.” Carrie’s lipstick is so red it’s painful. Her hair looks like she could double for Aslan from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Enter Larry Turtletab who is described to us as a NY legend known for 2 things – good investments and bad breath. Poor poor man. He immediately hits on Sam who scurries away b/c of the aforementioned bad breath, so he gets in Carrie’s face to say that Sam’s gorgeous and he wants to get to know her. “The Turtle” as they call him, looks like a turtle (according to them). He’s bald with bad glasses, a bad suit, and a bad tie. His conversational stylings include asking what kind of pears are in the tartlet while the girls look onto the dance floor almost wishing they were out there for “that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it”.

Two hours later they are bored. They are running out of booze and Sam’s left them high and dry to get hit on by some other dude. They are lamely sitting around the table being complete party poopers. Char wonders if they should stick around and catch the bouquet. The bride, I just realized, is Jake Ryan’s girlfriend Caroline Mumford (Haviland Morris) from Sixteen Candles!
As she hugs Carrie goodbye, she says “it’s always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.” Carrie nods understandingly but has a quizzical “wtf” expression over the brides shoulder.

Back at Carrie’s apartment, she’s pulling the Doogie routine in bed. (Much like I am right now.) “People are always telling me things I don’t want to hear. But this one crossed the line.” Crossed what line? What the eff does that mean? Did it offend her delicate sensibilities to hear that this woman decided she valued security over passion? And sorry people are telling you things you don’t want to hear. It’s called ADULTHOOD. But anyways, she calls BIG [Oh here we go.] and asks him, “Why do people get married if they aren’t in love.”

“Companionship, guilt. Political asylum?” She asks him why he got married. He says he was in love. (so this conversation no longer has anything to do with the question you posed, and that question only really served to lob up this conversation. Interesting. And pathetic.) So yeah, he was in love but tells her he’s never getting married again. Bam, Carrie. Take it. She then asks him IF HE’S IN BED WITH SOMEONE. What??? How is that a response to “I’ll never get married again?” What friggin self esteem does this chick have? Zero? She then wonders if she can date a man who won’t get married as she eats a huge piece of the wedding cake.

Cue up the roundtable discussion. They discuss the fact that it seems no men want to get married and then Char says the thing I HATE hearing whenever it comes up. “What if you spend 5 years with this guy and in the end you have nothing to show for it?” ??????????????????????????? Why God why? Would it be better to be divorcing him after 5 years? Is marriage really the thing that would make it better? This rationalization for marriage kills me. I also get appalled when people follow up the same logic with stating that relationships that don’t end in marriage are a wasting your time as you get older. Why can’t they just be learning experiences and moments on the road? Why does it have to be wasted time? People who say this are the kinds of people who define themselves based on the presence of an “other” in their life. They need lives of their own.

Miranda then tells them that men are going to be obsolete soon because you don’t need them to talk to, have kids, with, or have sex with. And here it is folks. The uncomfortable moment no one was waiting for. Miranda got a vibrator and thinks she’s in love with it. Sam says, “if you’re going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the horse.” Once again, touché Sam! Charlotte says vibrators don’t call on your birthday, send you flowers or meet your mother. And then *shudder* as Miranda wiggles two of her fingers around she says “well, I know where my next orgasm is, who here can say as much?”

That night while Sam is on a date Miranda takes them toy shopping. The rabbit is $92 so they balk about the price while Char says she wants to have sex with someone she loves. But then they open the package, she sees it’s pink and she gets all excited about it.

Jerry (the guy Sam bailed everyone for at the wedding) took Sam to Lava. “New York’s restaurant du jour.” Gimme a break. It looks like Harry’s Bar & Grille on Oakland Avenue, which was a restaurant “du jour” about twenty years ago. Oh and Jerry looks like what Crocodile Dundee might have looked like if he actually was attractive BUT then had his face hit with a frying pan. He tells her “From the moment I saw you I knew we’d be having dinner together.” Who buys this shit? As he talks to her he’s eyeing up someone else, but Sam doesn’t notice. He then says “hold that thought, I’ll be right back.” 10 min and a cpl of cocktails later…he’s ditched her for that other someone. Ouch. Sam goes to find him and in the process stumbles across The Turtle who invites her to join him. She hesitates but acquiesces and eventually tells him about his breath! He takes it good naturedly because it’s due to some Chinese herbs he’s taking. She enjoys her dinner with him and tells Carrie over the phone that once they get his breath under control she’s going to get him some new outfits and calls him a cute little “fixer upper.” Another thing I hate hearing. Why oh why do some women insist on treating men like apartments?

Carrie is now pacing the apt in these horrific pajamas – they look like pj pants she may have worn when she was eight because they are TIGHT patterned pants. Her quandary for the week folks – “in a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?” So now it’s a city of perfect people AND a city of great expectations. I can’t keep up.

She decides to meet Brooke for the answer and asks her how it is being married. “Fabulous, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.” (Man I feel sorry for you Brooke. Was it you putting this pressure on yourself? Your friends? Your family? Does Carrie follow up with any of these questions? NO.) Carrie asks if she’s happy with Alan. “Yes, I’m happy.” Carrie pusses out and replies, “then I’m happy for you.”

Brooke says “We all think we’re Caroline Bissette, but then one day Joe Joe is gone and we realize we’re happy just to have a man who wants to throw around the Frisbee.” What does this even mean? Someone shoot me if I settle. It’s one thing to desire companionship but b*tch please! ESCALATE YOURSELF instead of worrying about escalating other people! They run into Sam with The Turtle who she’s done over in Helmut Lange. Clearly this makes him a better person more suited to Sam. She escalated him.

“Sam left with the turtle, Brooke left with a better gift, and I left wondering if everyone in Manhattan was settling.” Seriously – why is it that when her friends go through something, she suddenly wonders if the entire city is going through it? Is that how journalism is done?

“My Zen teacher once told me that there’s nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.” So now she has a Zen teacher and does yoga? We’re 9 episodes in people. What the eff. Where is this coming from? She’s with charlotte and as they are stretching, charlotte says, “I think I broke my vagina.” Okay that’s hilarious. She’s afraid that if she keeps using the rabbit, she’s never going to be able to enjoy sex with a man again. She then talks about how with the rabbit it’s boom every time and one time she orgasmed for like 5 minutes. Char decides to quit completely….but then she immediately cancels on going to the play they were planning to see that night because she’s going to stay in with it.

Carrie invites Stanford to the ballet because “I knew he was available.” And she says it in this accusatory tone. Wait – why is Big unavailable? Did you ask him?
Stan says he’s had it with the gay scene because it’s so competitive. He had placed a personal ad and arranged a meeting with the only one who responded. The guy showed 20 minutes late, approached him and says “Stanford?” Looks him up and down and says, “Sorry this is not going to happen.” Stanford thinks he gets rejected because he doesn’t think he has a gay look. Carrie says, “maybe it’s just a phase.” “Puberty is a phase. 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle.” Sometimes he thinks he should just get married and get all the money. “There’s a cash prize.” His grandma gives out their inheritance when they get married and she doesn’t know he’s gay because she doesn’t believe in it. Stanford thinks he and Carrie should get married because they both like shoes and men in tights.

She spends Saturday afternoon in bed with Big and tells him about her proposal from Stanford like she’s some sort of cool and suave girl who really wants to break his heart and play it loosey goosey. He asks her what she’s going to do about sex, as he knows Stanford is gay. She says “that’s what I have you for.” Really? She’s playing this game with him? What a friggin’ idiot. His only response is, “looks like you’ve got it all figured out.”

Later that day she’s supposed to go to a gallery opening for Charlotte with Miranda but Char calls to cancel because she’s staying home with her vibrator. She is claiming, however, that it’s because she’s totally wiped out. Miranda and Carrie go to her apartment for a rabbit intervention. They literally walk into her bedroom and ask her to hand it over. She is, of course, laying around in pristine white silk pajamas. You know. Like you do. Carrie says, “with a little help from her friends, Char decided she wasn’t going to settle for herself.”

Sam is on a date with The Turtle and realizes that even with all of the adjustments, he’s still just The Turtle. In black. TAH DAH! What the heck did I say! She excuses herself from dinner and says she’s not feeling very well – she’ll call him. He immediately turns to the woman at the bar and asks her if she likes his shirt b/c his ex-girlfriend picked it out. Resourceful that Turtle.

12 phone calls and three emails from Stanford means he convinces Carrie to meet his Grandmother. She seems a delightful old woman who shows Carrie her family photos and asks Carrie if she wants a family and here comes the sentiment. “As I looked around at all of the old photos and memorabilia I realized….blah blah blah.” Grandma sends Stanford for some matches and the second he’s gone she tells Carrie he’s “a fruit.” Nice grandma.

That night at dinner, I knew I’d have to break the news to Mr. Big. Oh dear lord, one drama after another. Why can’t she just talk to him about it and ask him if he meant it or if it was a cheeky response? Why does it always have to be drama/tears/beers? He’s making pasta and wearing a gray vneck sweater with nothing under it like he’s some sort of precursor to hipsters.

Oh lord. He asks her how his pasta sauce is and she responds “I do want to get married some day. I can’t date someone who won’t – I mean, what’s the point?” He says “definitely too much salt.” He then talks about timing and cooking and says he thought they were having fun. He then makes her try the pasta sauce and she says “It’s better but it definitely has possibilities” – how does this answer anything? He then tells her she has sauce on the lips and kisses her. “My zen teacher also said that the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future.” Welllll why couldn’t you have remembered that advice before painfully putting us through that episode? And I’ll bet my favorite pair of converse you forget that advice and spend the rest of the season worrying about the future anyway.

Last line of the show, “of course, my Zen teacher died penniless and single.” WHAT? Was that an attempt at comedy? How does this back up your rationalization for the last scene? Are you following his advice or not? I don’t get it.

End.

UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This was by far the worst episode yet for me to watch. It was painful listening to Miranda talk about masturbation. Painful to see Sam try to remake a man. Painful to watch Carrie fumble through yet another situation that would be remedied by sincere dialogue. Just painful. The best part was that bit about Char breaking her vagina as she’s pulling Carrie toward her for a yoga stretch. I have to admit…this one was bad enough (meaning I was uninterested the whole way through) that I was completely uninterested in continuing with this project. But, due to some clamoring from a few friends…I will continue on. Three more episodes to go in Season 1. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

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