March 9, 2011

Episode 8: Three's a Crowd

Watch Date 2/28/11

The episode begins with ….oh good god. It’s another “once upon a time in a magical land called Manhatten” beginnings…So that’s three times in eight episodes. Hello Darren Starr…can we get some originality please? We find Charlotte at a black tie event where – UNBELIEVABLY she “falls in love” when she locks eyes with a guy named Jack. Oh wait – it’s not so unbelievable. New week, new love. He looks like I expect it would look if Dolf Lundgren was actually a dwarf and he mated with an ape. She officially stalks him, attending all of these charity events he attends until they make contact and begin officially dating. And of course, according to Carrie, he’s perfect for her. He’s an architect, a philanthropist and the sex is amazing. Now I don’t know how many of you are keeping track…but that’s the fourth guy that is supposedly perfect for Charlotte. Let’s take a look:

• Sean – the guy that was too serious for Carrie so she passed him off to Charlotte. They were a perfect match until she realizes they don’t agree on China.
• Brian – had Charlotte’s top three things - looks, manners, and money. Unfortunately he wanted to give it to her up the butt.
• Michael Conway – Apparently came from a “good Manhattan family” BUT liked to try to pressure Charlotte into Blowjays. Hmmm…

So, in reviewing the evidence, I’m going to call Bullshit right now on this “Jack” guy being perfect for her. They start sleeping together and sure enough…he asks her what her fantasies are in bed. Poor Charlotte responds that she’s always wanted to do it in her parent’s bed. You so crazy Charlotte! You know what this means people – whatever he says next is going to be either a) some crazy shit or b) something she will never in a million years consent to. Yup. Here it is: he says his fantasy is “You me, and another woman.” He gives her some line about how hot it makes him thinking about it and so they begin to have sex. And in this scene we see Charlotte’s nipples for the first time. Awww. What a moment.

From here we go to the standard SATC scene two - the roundtable discussion while eating/drinking. I must mention that Miranda has her hair blown back like she’s Kirk Douglas in Wall street.

Char: “Jack wants me to do it” [a threesome]
Miranda: “Of course he does – all men do.”
Samantha:“Threesomes are huge right now, they are the bj of the 90’s”
Char: “what was the blowjob of the 80’s?”
S: “Anal sex.”
Carrie: “Any sex period”
M: “Don’t let him pressure you into it. It’s just this guy’s cheap ploy to
watch you be a lesbian for a night.”
S: “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
M: “I had a threesome once, I think. In college. I was drunk, I woke up in
someone else’s bra.”
S: “The only way to do a threesome is to be the guest star – all the great sex
without wondering what it will do to your relationship.”
Char: “But you don’t have relationships.”
S: “Which is why I have great sex.”
Carrie: “I’ve never done a threesome.”
M: “Because you have relationships.”
Char: “I’ve never had one.”
S: “Of course you haven’t – you won’t even wear a thong.”
Char: (confidently) “Jack thinks I’m sexy.”
M: “He’s just buttering you up – first he tells you you’re hot, then the next
thing you know you’re kissing another woman while he beats off.”
S: “Just make sure the other woman isn’t a friend – use someone random.”
M: “That’s romantic!”
Char: “I think I’d feel safer with a friend – someone I could trust – like
Carrie.” (Who, by the way, is wearing a blue tank top and no bra.)
Carrie: “Oh gee, I’m flattered, but I’d go with someone with more experienced.
Like Sam.”
S: “Well thanks, but there is something sexy about a first timer like
Miranda looks awkwardly around, “oh great forget about me. I’d do it with you
guys. It’s like picking teams for dodgeball all over again.

So, this becomes Carrie’s quandary for the week: Was Samantha right – are threesomes the new sexual frontier? Are threesomes the relationship of the future?

Cut to Sam’s breasts as she moans in bed. She’s “guest starring” in a show called “Sam does the married guy.” Ken is a 37 year old wine importer. What’s with giving us their resume every time? Is it supposed to make these men or their characters more real to us?

Charlotte 5 hours later: OMFG - Charlotte’s hair is in CORNROWS to the back of her head. I shit you not. She looks like she just got back from a trip to Jamaica.

They are at a date at a fundraiser for Dyslexia and Jack IMMEDIATELY begins pointing out ladies for potential threesomes. Some girl comes over to ask for a light and Jack claims the girl was flirting with Charlotte because she’s such a turn on. This guy makes my skin crawl with his obviousness.

He asks the woman to join them and the next thing you know, Jack is doin’ it with this other woman and charlotte is taking off her clothes and JOINING them….but of course it was just a dream. Aaah that mind trickery. Carrie says “she hadn’t been that excited since she tried on her JV cheerleading uniform for the first time.”

The next thing you know, Miranda’s in therapy. Seriously – therapy? What happened? Where has this therapist been for 8 episodes? Why is she seeing him? So this older bald manis asking her what she thinks her dream meant. “I’m in the sandbox with Miranda, Char and Carrie and none of them want to play with me.” She’s wearing a men’s pinstripe business suit and it’s double breasted. Jeezaloo. “I know it’s juvenile, but it bothers me, I’m attractive, I’m smart, plenty of people should want me for a threesome.” Therapist seems confused and says, “So you’re saying you’re attracted to your girlfriends?” Her response? “NO! But if your friends won’t go down on you, who will?” OH GRILLED CHEEZUS! WHAT THE HELL. This is putting her into therapy?

Char tells carrie her dream and that she can’t stop thinking about it and that she thinks she enjoyed it. Carrie fashion update - she is wearing what can only be described as a pair of knickers, a doily for a top, and a knee length jacket on top. I don’t understand it. If you need a jacket, why are you naked underneath? Carrie tells Char that her that dreams are a great way to experiment. But should she do it? it. “Jack thinks I have a fire inside me.” “Tell him they make a cream for that.” BAH HA HA! Possibly the funniest thing that’s been said in 8 episodes. Carrie tells her that she shouldn’t do it just to make Jack happy. Charlotte asks, “maybe it would bring us closer?” Ummmm…in what world does this happen???? Carrie THANKFULLY says, “sweetie, don’t you think it’s weird that you’re thinking of sleeping with someone you don’t know to get closer to Jack?” “But how well do we ever know the people we sleep with?” Okay – seriously. Maybe if she wasn’t changing perfect boyfriends every week like they were interchangeable Ken dolls, she WOULD get to know her partners. Just sayin’.

Meanwhile, Carrie disagrees with my summation. “That’s the thing about Charlotte – just when you’re about to write her off as a Park Avenue Pollyanna, she says something so right on that you’d think she’s the Dalai Llama.” Yup. You got it right. The Dalai Llama would definitely have the same opinion about how well you know your sexual partners. Sheesh.

Carrie wonders, If Charlotte’s considering a threesome, who isn’t? Who answers these threesome ads? Aaah – newspaper personal ads. Remember those?

And so it’s time for my favorite part of SATC - Let’s go to the streets!
Here they have actors reading off different ads. It’s kind of comical in thinking about whose behind the paper version of the ad. It’s not like those ads had photos with them a la craigslist, or eharmony.

“Wall street hot shot seeks two horny gals for a fuck fest at my Hampton summer home. No fatties please.”

“Sweet suburban school teacher seeks two men to fulfill her wildest fantasies. You be black or Hispanic, I’ll be on time. I need your dick now.”

“Xfiles fanatics seek Scully look alike for abduction fantasy.”

“Me: gorgeous with big boobs. You a couple with class. Let’s experience everything this city has to offer. I’m into museums, blow jobs, the theatre, and golden showers.”

Carrie feels like she’s the only one who believes in one on one relationships. She and Mr. big have progressed to sleepovers. He comes out wearing a pair of brown pants with PLEATS and a navy button down shirt to ask her which tie to wear. She puts his tie on and he says “be careful, I could get used to this.” He asks her if she wants to meet for lunch and she says she can’t b/c she has an interview. About threesomes. She then asks if he’s done one. “Sure, who hasn’t.?” ummm…AWKWARD! “Really? With who?” “My ex wife.” EVEN AWKWARDER!

“You were married?” “Yeah – I thought I told you.” Um – okay maybe I shouldn’t be the one to say this since I’m older than dirt and happily single, but I want to say WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT? He’s in his 40’s and single…does she really think that in this day in age, it’s b/c he’s STAYED single?

So now she’s all upset because he’s got an ex-wife and they obviously had wild sex. Talking to Miranda and Sam over a perfume counter, “We used to have wild sex. Now we have sweet sex. Wild always beats out sweat.” Good old Miranda, the voice of reason even though she’s in therapy because her friends don’t want to have a threesome with her, says “but he’s not with her anymore.” Carrie says, “probably because they stopped having wild sex.” Sam claims, “that’s why Ken’s fucking me. His wife wouldn’t even give him a blowjob.”

Miranda tries on a red lipstick and asks if it turns the girls on. They look at her like she’s holding a tapeworm. Sam says, “There’s only one thing left to do – check out the ex.”

“Charlotte was right. We don’t really know the people we sleep with. After all, what did I really know about Mr. big.” Oh this will be good! Yeah let’s examine this. You’ve been sleeping with him long enough to go from wild sex to sweet sex yet you know NOTHING about him?!

I guess his exwife is a woman named Barbara who works in publishing. Carrie MAKES AN APPOINTMENT to pitch a book to her. WHAT? WHAT? Okay – when Sam said she should check out the ex, I thought she’d find out where she hangs out and show there for a drink or something. NOT show to her place of employment and create this level of a fa├žade! Oooh shit. This is going to be terrible. She shows to this appointment, meanwhile, in a schoolgirl style pleated black skirt and white socks and black heels with a tan shirt. Is she trying to visually state “I’m younger and hotter than you even though you don’t know who I am?” Her plan is to pitch her a bodice ripper that will get rejected just so she can get some face time. Barbara is beautiful according to Carrie. She’s alright. I thinks she’s just wearing the red lipstick Miranda tried on and has a decent part in her hair. It turns out she’s a huge fan of Carrie’s work, BUT it turns out she’s a children’s author. Ha. Hahahahah. Ha.

So on the spot, Carrie spins a tale about Cathy and her magic cigarettes and how when she lights up they will take you anywhere. “You want to do a children’s book about cigarettes”? “Well it’s a children’s book for adults.” “Oh this is great. I’ve been looking to do something with an edge.” What? Wait – what? This isn’t happening.

Sam bumps into the married dude and his wife and he brushes her off but not before Sam makes the mistake of saying, “sure I know him” before he makes the move to deny it. The wife gets a suspicious look in her eye.

Miranda has another dream. Now she’s wearing black and white pinstripe pants, a cream colored top, and a brown pinstripe men’s vest. Is she trying out for fiddler on the roof? Her dream this time is that her friends make her sit up front in a cab.
Her therapist says “still upset about being sexually rejected?” She says “Would you do a threesome with me.?” She then gives this really pathetic look that’s (I think?) an attempt at flirtation. “I think we need to talk about why you’re asking me that.” (YES! LET’S!) “I take that as a no?”

Carrie and Big in bed, and I have to say again that it doesn’t look like they enjoy kissing each other. She tries to put Barbara out of her mind…but she shows up like she’s a daydream to show Carrie how “it’s really done” and Carrie thinks, “you can’t avoid a threesome b/c even if it’s just you in the bed, someone has always been there before you.” YEAH – HELLO? What are you? Some kind of paranoid control freak? She turns away from Big and he asks her where she went to. She claims she’s preoccupied and tells him she’s thinking about her column. But it’s an obvious lie.
“You know, I didn’t tell you I was married b/c it was a long time ago.” He says there was an alienation of affection followed by divorce. “Let’s not talk about the past, please.” Okay but who was alienating who? “What Mr. Big didn’t realize is that the past was sleeping right next to me.” Oh please. GET OVER IT! This woman is his ex-wife! You can’t spend your life comparing yourself to imagined histories!

The next day she has lunch with Barbara. This woman is playing with fire! And she’s straightened her hair. Barbara tells her that the head guys didn’t go for Carrie’s story, but she still likes the project and “at the risk of sounding like a groupie, I’d really like it if we could become friends.” 2 hours and 4 Chardonnay’s later, Carrie gets the balls to ask if she’s been married before.
Once – a long time ago. He had a wandering eye – wandered right over to my best friend. What about you – seeing anyone? Carrie despondently responds, “no one special.”

Meanwhile, Samantha gets a phone call from Ken who says “It’s over, I told my wife.” Hahahahahahah. “I’m in love with you – now we can be together!” “oh no no no no no. Hang on – call waiting.” His WIFE is on the other line. She says that if being sexually adventuresome will keep the marriage together then she wants to join the threesome. Sam was a guest star. Being a series regular was not in the contract. She hangs up on both of them.

That night at a masked ball, Char feels free to indulge her fantasy and winks at a woman who is dressed like a peacock after Jack asks her who there is her type. She says her other fantasy is doing it upstairs at a party. So they head upstairs and find an empty bedroom. They start kissing and the peacock shows up and asks if she can join. Charlotte nods yes. Even though she’s ready to take the plunge, Jack ruins it for himself by plunging first and he and the peacock end up completely dismissing Charlotte because they are all over each other. So Charlotte leaves.
Meanwhile at a bar downtown…Miranda is wearing a cobalt dress with cleavage. It’s a great outfit…BUT it looks like she’s stole her necklace from Shaka Zulu.

She meets up with a couple who says it’s a relief to meet her because most of the women who answered their ad were butt ugly. Oh SHIT. She responded to an AD for threesomes!? They want to do it that night as a gift for his 30th birthday. She’s beside herself with excitement after saying “just so we’re clear – you want to have a threesome with me.” She says she needs to make a phone call but DITCHES them and leaves the bar! She gets her validation and her shrink suggests she goes 3 times a week.

Carrie hasn’t seen Mr. Big for 8 days. They are walking down the street after having dinner together. He looks like he’s in pain. “That was a great meal.” But he’s got sarcasm in his voice. “The food was terrible and we were talking to each other like strangers – what is wrong?”

“You drop these bombs on me but you don’t explain.”
Big: “I cheated on her.”
Carrie: “I know –she told me at lunch.”
Big: “I know she told me she told you.” Ha. “The reason we had the threesome is b/c we were both looking for something or someone else. Do you know anyone who is right for me?” And he pulls her in for a kiss. How is this the end of the conversation???? She’s been stewing for over a week and this is all it takes to explain it away? I think Darren Starr needed to wrap it up. And so do I, I guess.

“The real appeal of a threesome is that it’s easy. It’s intimacy that’s a bitch.” Yeah Carrie – I’d add that it MIGHT be a good idea to get to know the person you’re sleeping with. It might help with the intimacy.

And scene.

So once again I feel like I’ve made a lot of comments along the way here, but I have to add something that I was discussing with a friend the other night. When Sam said Carrie should check out the Ex, I know I was THINKING it. But thinking and doing are two different things. (Thank god for google and the ability to do these things from a safe distance.) But I also think it’s interesting that we lean on our friends for answers and advice but when we know for sure that they will totally say “don’t go there girl!” we totally leave them out of the decision process. Like, if Carrie had said to Sam, “okay, I’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to POSE as someone who wants to pitch a book and go to her office,” any self respecting friend would say, “Sweetie, you’re taking it too far.” It’s kind of like when Vivica Fox in “Two Can Play that Game” says that sometimes, talking to your ladies will only exacerbate the problem. Because when your friends are so busy being on your side they will hold you back. And sometimes we don’t need to be held back (As in Vivica’s case) but there are definitely situations that call for a good hold back. Like in Carrie’s case.

The whole storyline with Miranda at the therapist – a friend told me that it was when the show was further experimenting with Miranda being a lesbian. I will be curious to see if there are further therapy sessions in future. I might need some therapy when this is all over.