February 27, 2011

Episode 7: The Monogamists

Sorry it's taken me awhile to get this posted. I thought I was going to be more productive this week and it just didn't happen. (I love that watching and posting about this show makes me "productive.")

Watch Date 2/21/2011

Gag me. The episode begins with Carrie talking about how the island of Manhatten is really just a cozy village inhabited by millions of people who all think they own the street, BUT lately it’s felt like there are only two people in the world, close up of her and Big walking down the street together. Okay, we all like to feel that way, but none of us like to hear other people talk about it. She says that four hour conversations seem like they flew by, days apart feel like weeks, blah blah bah, we get it, you’re infatuated. There’s a gross scene of them kissing on the street in front of everyone – they look like terrible kissers. I wouldn’t want to kiss either of them.

Of course, all of this QT with Big means she’s slighted her friends. Miranda calls her to complain that they never see each other anymore and try to make plans and manages to drop that F bomb, “you’re too busy fucking your brains out, right?” For the first time in the 7 episodes, Miranda actually looks okay in a decent suit. Shocking! Carrie says she is free because Big has this thing for work so they weren’t doing anything anyway. “God would you listen to yourself?” Carrie says, “Yeah, I know, I’ve become one of those women we hate.” “Yes you have!”

She realizes she’s committed the cardinal sin – forsaking girlfriends for the new boyfriend. “That night, I faced the tribunal.” (Oh lord, does it have to be this painful?) She sits awkwardly at a table at dinner waiting to be dug into. Her friends go easy on her, saying they weren’t that concerned but that she’s missed a lot while she’s been off with Big. Miranda worked on a successful merger, Samantha has become obsessed with finding a new apartment, and Charlotte is practically engaged. Wait – what? Maybe I should also start keeping track of how many times they are on the verge of being engaged.

So the scoop is that Charlotte meets the dude the day after Carrie dropped off the face of the earth. His name is Michael Conway (really?). They met in a park when his dog ran up to her. He supposedly comes from a good NY family and absolutely adores Charlotte who already thinks “he might be the one.” Oh God. Where’s the cart, and the horse? I think one is in front of the other and it’s not going to be pretty.

Sam says, “We met him, he’s perfect.” Miranda says, “even his dog is fucking perfect.” That’s two F bombs for Miranda inside of 10 minutes. Wonder how it makes Carrie feel that in the time she’s been keeping Big all to herself, Charlotte’s met someone that is apparently “the one” and the girls have already met him. Oh wait – they don’t address that.

Instead, they take the plot somewhere else entirely. Charlotte says, “but there is one thing…” and proceeds to explain that after their last date (the Philharmonic) they went back to his place and began the timeless dating ritual known as the blow job tug of war. WHAT? Okay…in this scene this makes no sense. They are both completely clothed and have only just started kissing and he starts pushing her head down to his crotch while his dog eerily looks on. Alright, fine, I’m not denying that plenty of men will do the BJ-push move but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it done with all of the participants clothes still on and only three PG-style kisses in. This Mike guy needs to work on his form. Charlotte tells him it’s not going to happen. He asks when it will. She responds, “Sometime.”

But to the girls she says, “the truth is – I hate doing it.” Sam says, “honey you can’t be serious.” Miranda says “are you telling us you never perform this act?” (oh god – Miranda added a polka dot TIE to the suit I liked her in earlier in the morning. What, is she a clown now?) And speaking of clowns, Carrie says, “she’ll juggle, she’ll spin plates, but she won’t give head.”

Charlotte says she doesn’t like putting it in her mouth because she has a sensitive gag reflex and feels like she’s going to puke. She’s tried with bananas, pretended it was a popsicle but she just doesn’t like it. And this is when Miranda has to add her creepy two scents, “Personally, I’m loving it, up until the point where the guy wants me to swallow.” Really? They are discussing this over dinner at a restaurant? Isn’t this conversation better placed at that Cheers bar they liked in episode one? They go back and forth about the merits of oral sex, how much they are or aren’t into it, and Sam has the best line. “Plus, the sense of power is such a turn on – maybe you’re on your knees, but you got him by the balls.” Nice. The real question is when Miranda queries, “But if you don’t go down on him, how do you expect him to go down on you?” And Charlotte shares that she doesn’t expect it. They all look at her in surprise and Miranda says, “Well forget it! I only give head to get head.” To which Sam agrees and they all laugh. So let’s back up a sec – you’re pretty sure this guy is “the one” because he’s perfect and THIS is your issue? Yeah…this one is really going to last alright.

As the girls exit the restaurant, Sam spots Big in the corner with a woman. To Carrie’s credit, she thinks nothing of it and heads over, saying “surprise!” as she approaches. Big looks up and is indeed surprised. She tells him she was there with her posse and saw him and only then does she sort of quizzically look at the lady. So Big stands up for introductions. Julie Woods, “meet Carrie Bradshaw.” Carrie is graceful (who knew) and says it’s nice to meet her, managing to look like she means it. She then asks Big if she can talk to him for a sec. She pulls him aside and asks, “are you on a date?” He replies “sort of.” She says “I thought you said you had a business thing tonight.” He says, “I said a dinner thing.” Meanwhile the posse is watching from the bar. Char looks perplexed, Miranda looks stunned, Sam is closing her eyes like dear god, just walk away. Carrie “She’s stunning. And I should know because frankly she stunned me. Well, um enjoy your dinner.” He has her arm and says “well are you okay?” sure I just didn’t realize you were dating other women. Big: “Well, not a lot of other women. (ouch) Why don’t we talk about this Saturday.” “Sure, sure, sure. So well then, enjoy your dinner. Oh already said that. enjoy it twice” and kind of slugs him in the arm a little too hard.

Back in her apartment that night, she can’t believe he’s seeing other women despite the fact that they hadn’t discussed exclusivity. She paces her room smoking. Is it that men have an innate aversion to monogamy? (Oh god – Why can’t it just be that it’s the beginning of the relationship and you haven’t discussed exclusivity yet? And no, to answer your question, they don’t.) Or is it more than that? I love how every time she gets one of these (seemingly) philosophical brainwaves she goes Doogie on us. “In a city like NY, with its infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?”

We take the question to the street where a water delivery guy says he’s been in an monogamous relationship for over a year and it’s really fulfilling, but he defines monogamy as including sex with prostitutes. AWESOME!

A housewife says the problem with monogamy is that it’s so incredibly dull.

A gay man says “my lover and I have a sort of agreement about monogamy – we have sex with other people but we don’t exchange fluids or phone numbers.” Interesting philosophy.

Another woman says, “Monogamy is fabulous. It gives you a deep profound connection to someone else and you don’t have to shave your legs.”

Meanwhile, Sam’s link to monogamy for this episode will be portrayed through her experience in apartment hunting. She gets shown a bunch of apartments by a female realtor named Pam, but she ditches Pam for Rick b/c he combines her two interests – sex and real estate.

That afternoon Carrie goes for lunch with Stanford (yay Stanford) and cosmos are involved – again it’s the middle of the afternoon – hello! I think I need to be a newspaper columnist if it’s all afternoon cocktails with your gay friends.
Stanford’s take is that monogamy is on the way out. It made a brief comeback in the 90’s but people are leaving options open as the millennium approaches. Aaah the millennium. Remember Y2K guys? She asks him if he’d commit to a nice guy if he found one “I can’t even commit to a long distance carrier.” She says “You know what you are? You’re a whore.” “I wish that were true.”

Some guy named Jared who is wearing way too many leather necklaces recognizes Stanford and comes over to talk. He stands right over Carrie’s shoulder so she looks down at her own cleavage and actually adjusts her shirt. Ugh. He’s read her column and says she should write about him b/c his life is “so fucked up.” Yeah –that’s impressive. Stanford says he was named one of the 30 coolest people under 30 in the city and he wrote a book. I’d like to know if the book was about his mono brow or about his chest hair poking out of his shirt? He says there’s a party at some place on Saturday and he’ll be sure to put their names on the list. He gives her a thumbs-up and says “groovy”. I say “Douche.”

As she goes home she questions what’s happening to her. “I used to get a secret rush from men who hit on me during their 15 min of fame but now it feels exhausting.” Wait, what? Why? What’s that kind of validation about? And how many men have hit on you during their fifteen minutes of fame? I don’t get it.
Big calls to confirm for Saturday. She says “of course why wouldn’t we be?” but then immediately regrets it b/c she was hoping to go for noncommittal. “I’ll pick you up at 8. I miss you baby.” WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? God he just oozes oily variety bohunk. She at least does the smart thing and talks to Miranda about her insecurities over dinner instead of talking to him about it at this point.

“He said I miss you baby. Do you think that was meant to be some kind of coded mea culpa?” Ummm no, don’t read into it. Please don’t read into it. But Miranda says, “you mean like what he really meant was ‘I’m an idiot please forgive me for having dinner with the other woman’? Could be.” What?????? What kind of advice is that?

Just then Skipper walks down the street with some girl named Alison and introduces her to them. Miranda has a plastic smile on her face during this introduction, but apparently Carrie knew that he was seeing someone else because she says she’s heard a lot about her. “Me too, we’re such big fans of the column over at vogue.” She nervously prattles on about the intimate dinner she and Skipper had and she seems charming but of course as soon as she walks away, Miranda asks, “who was that self important bitch? I didn’t think that was his type.” Carrie says, “Well, that’s true Miranda, YOU’re his type, but you broke up with him, remember?” Miranda looks after them down the street and wonders if he’s been working out because something looks different.

Back at Skippers apartment, he’s getting it on with Alison. Totally pants off, sweating in the bed style going at it. Miranda calls and it goes to voicemail and they have to awkwardly listen to her leave a message about how great it was to run into him. “and you looked great – did you do something to your hair?” And get this - he PICKS UP THE PHONE!!!! “I can’t talk right now.” “that’s okay – just wanted to see if we could maybe have dinner some night.” “Seriously?” So he hangs up the phone and tells Allison, “you’re really great but the woman I think I love just called me and asked me back…” and she says “you’re breaking up with me while you’re still inside of me?” OUCH! Damn. I thought I liked Skipper! Any dude who picks up the phone while having sex with you (unless someone is bleeding or dead on the other end of the phone) is an idiot.

Charlotte and Blow Job Mike are walking down the street arm in arm and she gets a declaration of monogamy from him. And he seems to think this declaration is the best idea he’s ever had in his life. I must mention here that he’s got the worst hair, thus far, of any of the men on the show. It’s parted down the middle and flopping all over the place and he’s NOT a toddler. I’m pretty sure that’s the last age you can pull that off.

Carrie goes to a party with Big at his good friend Max’s apartment. An attractive brunette approaches and grabs him “hey there stranger” and kisses him. Oops. “Melissa – this is Carrie bradshaw.” (Carrie is wearing a silver dress that is very appropriate for the event, but again – spaghetti straps and no bra. I think it’s her go to look.) Melissa says, “I love your column, never miss it.” To Big she says, “I’ve been trying to call you – you still have my passport.” As she walks away, Big explains, “she’s a friend I once traveled with.”

They make their way through the party to find Max and he introduces Carrie by saying, “I want you to meet someone very special.” Max guesses, “Julia?” OUCH. Then Big says “she writes this fantastic column called Sex and the City” Max says “Well if you’re looking for material you’re dating the right man.” DOUBLE OUCH. Then Carrie pipes up and makes it nice and awkward, “Are we dating? I thought we were just sleeping together.” Part of me wants to give her props for putting this out there considering how terrible her evening is going, but the other part of me has to recognize how pathetic it is considering the drunken ass she made of herself in his apartment in the last episode precisely because she didn’t want to only be sleeping together.

Big’s response, “well I’m sure after tonight we won’t be doing much of either.”
Carrie excuses herself and turns to leave. He follows and says, “Carrie – you’ve got to be kidding.” She straight up asks him how many women he’s dating. He says “I’m not doing this here.” Why is he suddenly treating her like she’s a child? She responds with “Fine.” WHAT? She should’ve said, “Fine I’m leaving!” Grrrr. He asks her if they can just enjoy the party. She says she doesn’t know and he asks her, “what do you want from me?” and he says it with a smile on his face that my friend Esther describes as the cat that ate the canary look. She finally grows some lady balls and says, “nothing – I don’t want anything from you. I have to go, I’m sorry.” GIRL – DON’T BE SORRY! GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE.

She says she felt like a fool b/c she’d gone so far out on a limb with her feelings that she didn’t realize she was standing out there alone. Aah –there’s the rub. Only fools rush in Carrie.

So she goes to meet Stanford at the fabulous party who asks her where’s what’s his face is. When he asks what happened Carrie says, “He became predictable.” Ha. Classic. Way to save face in front of the friends. That Jared douche shows up wearing black jeans, a black long sleeved button down shirt tucked in, black belt and black sunglasses – who is he, Johnny cash? Carrie muses that in a room full of attractive people under 30, monogamy suddenly seems like a quaint notion.

Cut to Miranda and Skipper post coital (I guess they skipped dinner?) Miranda is giddy but then Skipper says he missed her and that other woman doesn’t mean a thing to him. She says she doesn’t mind if he keeps seeing her. Wait, what? What about all that jealousy? Skipper confesses that he broke up with her the second Miranda called. “I was so happy to hear from you that we were still doing it and I didn’t even realize it.” Miranda looks disgusted, “you’re kidding, right?” She tells him she’s not ready for a full blown relationship (wait – why? I thought that was always the point with all the ladies except Sam? So it’s just Skipper that’s not good enough?) She says she wants to see him and other people and he says no and gets upset. “Why’d you call me anyway? I’m not your private stud horse, Ms. Dial-a-fuck.” He says he’s tired of being jerked around and he hopes she finds what she’s looking for. Exit poor Skipper.

Blow Job Michael is creepily telling Charlotte how amazing she is just so he can get a blow job. He awkwardly goes from saying she’s everything he is looking for to again pushing her head in his crotch, again fully clothed. She finally admits she hates doing it. He does the pitiful, “will you do it for me?”and she asks, “would you really want me to do something I don’t want to do?” His response? “You’ll get used to it.” Ha. This guy is awesome. He THEN says “I plan on getting a lot of blow jobs in the future, and I am hoping that you’re around when I get them.” WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAT? “WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” “It means I’ll have to find them somewhere else.” She stands up and says “you’re telling me you’d give up a woman who cares for you and would share all of your hopes and dreams and possibly be the future mother of your children for a blow job?” “He looks somewhat ashamed and says, “You’re right – would you at least, lick my balls?” WHAT?

Miranda gets shown another apartment by Rick, and they start going at it right in the empty living room. Sure enough, they get busted by Pam who is there to show the place to another couple. Pam says, “I can’t believe you’re working with another broker!” Rick covers Miranda’s breasts with his hands, “I can’t believe you weren’t going to show me this apartment!” ha. Comedy.

Douchey-Jared is at the party blowing Carrie up about his book and how it’s a great way to pump his ideas into the world. Carrie says, “I thought it was b/c you could behave like an utter asshole and people would find you amusing.” Ha. True. His response, “I’m like in love with you – you know that? I’m like fucking in love with you.” His choker leather necklace is so tight around his neck that it looks like he’s been intibated.

He asks her to go home with him. She says “give me a minute – I just have to make a call.” Oh God. Don’t call Big. Don’t call Big. She calls Big. She tells him she met a guy named Jared and he’s cool and under 30 and so is everyone here and he wants to take her home and etc. etc. and like a true parent he says “Carrie, just get over here.” What? Why? And like a child she responds, “no you come here.” She tells him where she is and says he should meet her outside. 45 min later she realizes she’s alone in a park at 3 am. But lo and behold, it’s because they were waiting in different spots. Big’s been waiting for 30 minutes on the other side of the building. They fight over the definition of the front of the building while she nips out of her dress. She finally comes clean with him and says she’s done the merry go round and she’s found someone she thought she could stand still with. “Do you want to stand still with me?” Instead of answering her – he puts his arm around her and proceeds to stand still. Ugh. “In a city of infinite options, sometimes there’s no better feeling than knowing you only have one.

The end.

God this was painful. I still don’t like Big. She might be having 4 hour long conversations with him, but we’re not. There’s no reason for me to like this character, or believe they should be together. And this is not because of his disinterest in monogamy or in “defining the relationship” either – that’s all part of the natural process at the beginning of dating. I get that. They weren’t talking about exclusivity so he’s free to date whoever he wants. If she cared so much about being the only one, she should’ve brought it up and not made the assumption. But here’s what kills me in this…and maybe this is me being the prude who doesn’t want to get a venereal disease, but wouldn’t you want to figure this out BEFORE you’re sleeping with the dude? Seriously – is it too much to ask for monogamy if you’re going to be doing it with him? If he’s putting his P in your V, don’t you want to know that it’s the only V it’s going into? And if that’s the case, then maybe you should’ve listened closer to Charlotte when she talked about waiting for more than a few dates for the sex. And not that there’s anything wrong with doing it right away either – but you can’t have it both ways. But I guess now that they are together in an officially monogamous capacity, we’ll be getting to see a lot more of that canary smile, as well as more of their father/daughter style interactions. Awesome.

And the storyline about BJ Mike – I get it. It’s supposed to be a funny commentary on how men love to push us to give them the BJ’s…but it was better expressed by Chelsea Handler in her book, “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang.” Maybe it’s supposed to be comical because it’s Charlotte and so therefore it’s an extreme situation, but meh. It didn’t really come off. And Miranda with Skipper? Oh good god. Wow. That woman needs to figure her shit OUT. One minute she wants him. Then she doesn’t. Then she’s jealous. Then she gets what she wants, and she doesn’t want it anymore. And he creepily broke up with that girl DURING sex? I don’t buy that one. You’re telling me that the average red blooded American male wouldn’t have finished the sex first and THEN dumped her? No offense to Miranda, but she’s not that fantastic.

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