January 10, 2012

Season 1 Stats Recap and Final Questions

Stats -
Carrie has slept with: 5 guys
Charlotte has slept with: 4 guys and the rabbit
Miranda has slept with: 4 guys and the rabbit
Samantha has slept with/claimed sex with: 14 guys

My vote for worst character name of the season:
Tie between "Capote Duncan" and "Barkley."

Questions:
Where are their parents/siblings/families? The only people who have families on the show so far are Stanford and Big.

Will there be any recurring characters BESIDES Stanford and Big? So far we've seen a parade of "good friends" in 12 episodes that only showed up ONCE and never returned. Will we see them next season?

Even though I can't stand Mr. Big, why did he put up with Carrie for as long as he did? Was it because she didn't wear a bra? Was it because she was bow-legged? Was it because she acted like she was 5 years old? What?

Will Miranda ever relax? Will she become a lesbian?

Will Samantha ever find someone with an appropriate sized penis for her needs AND the ability to converse?

Will Charlotte stop acting like a 15 year old girl who believes in quija boards and keepsake boxes and start acting like a woman?

Will Skipper cut his hair?

Will Carrie get less annoying? Will she truly find a sense of self worth and not just this inflated bullshit one that sounds good as you sign off the show with your voice over but isn't congruent with your character?

January 9, 2012

Episode 12: Oh Come All Ye Faithful

Watch Date: 1/9/12

So…1 episode left in SEASON 1 people and I just couldn’t do it. Months went by and every time I thought about watching that last episode I thought of a million better things to do. But now...on a night when I’ve watched every other series I have in my apartment to completion, and knowing full well that I have an entire MLK day coming up that I could use for a marathon…I’ve decided to give it a final push to at least end ONE SEASON.

We begin with Carrie typing – Miranda is dating someone named Thomas John Anderson (and they only call him by all three names through the entirety of the show) an “up and coming playwright” not to be confused with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. He and Miranda are in bed and he immediately hops out of bed after sex and go shower. They show Miranda getting’ it from this guy with lots of “Oh God’s” and beads of perspiration all over them. They show the big moment for them 3 times, each time with a close up on his face as he screams "Oh God." It's not gross at all. She decides to confront him about the shower and it turns out it’s a habit he picked up after the nuns told them that sex was a sin.

Carrie in voiceover: “Miranda suddenly realized, she was dating a catholic guy.” Carrie and she stroll along with lemon chills or some such thing and Carrie asks if the shower is a retro-baptism thing. Miranda says that if she’d known he was catholic she’d never have gone out with him – they should make them wear a sign. WHAT? I'm surprised by this. None of the characters have really broached the subject of religion before, so I guess the angle Miranda is coming from seems out of character. But maybe that's because I don't know anything really about their characters other than their sex lives.

Carrie in VO says “single people in NY don’t ask about religious background for the same reason they don’t ask about sex partners – the answer is too scary.” Miranda says he’s a totally logical, reasonable guy except related to this. And "leave it me to find the only religious guy left in Manhattan." I don’t get it…why is this a problem? Are none of them religious? Not that I have a problem with that....it's just...surprising. Even more surprising is that she would immediately reject someone just because they are. What skeletons of her past are going on there?

Carrie typing – "NY filled with places to worship but the only time she hears of anyone going into one it’s for a singles mixer." (Really?) Are relationships the religion of the 90’s? (ugh. These overarching questions of hers are always so friggin' groan worthy it's almost not worth the groan.)

Carrie admits to being raised in the religion of "smile nice and play well with others" and decides to go check out some of the traditional religions “in their natural habitat” – shudder. She makes a connection between God and fashion while she stands outside of a church, drinking her coffee and judging the folks who come out. You know - like real journalists and researchers.

"And SUDDENLY – there he was, wearing Armani on Sunday – Mr. Big." He’s with an older, sophisticated woman whom he kisses on the cheek before putting in a cab. She thinks it’s a shock b/c up until then she thought he only believed in the Yankees. SERIOUSLY DO YOU KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE FUCKING?!

He spies her across the street and comes over. He asks why she’s there and she says she’s doing research on closet Presbyterians. He says he’s an atheist but don’t tell it to the minister. (Their *banter* makes me want to induce vomiting and every time she says she’s doing research I just want to punch her in the face.) She asks who the mystery woman was. (Why does everything have to be drama?) And he responds that it’s his mother and he takes her to church every Sunday. She says she loves that and wants to know why he hasn’t told her. “well, you write every Sunday soo…” “so every Sunday church”? (Like it’s so hard to believe that you would do that for someone you love? Like a parent? Again, where are her parents? Have they both died? Moved to Namibia? What?) He says he’s got 20 min before his racquetball game, and they should get coffee. She says no – she’s on deadline and her cappuccino just kicked in – really? Really? You can't spare 20 minutes? She then turns and makes fun of him by saying, “God bless” in a breathy voice and waltzing away.

I HATE everything about this scene. Her presumption, her air of superiority, her judgment of him/it without any experience or knowledge, the way she MOCKS him without understanding where he comes from or why he goes. HATE.

She says "It’s one of those relationship moments when you feel like you know nothing about the person you thought you knew everything about." hahaha - yup. YOU DON’T!

At cocktails with Miranda & Charlotte. Charlotte looks like she’s a bridesmaid in a wedding with a green shimmery dress and an updo. Carrie is wearing a dress that is primary blue on the bottom and red on the top and looks like she’s ready to peel potatoes in Russia, but with lipstick on. Miranda looks like she came from work. As a man.



Miranda is giving the judgmental “He goes to church with his mother” face/argument and char is telling her not to listen to her b/c a man who cares about his mother makes a wonderful husband. Again – love how it’s automatically the leap to the altar ladies. Miranda says, “all religions are sweet until you get to that shower after sex phase” Apparently JTT or TJA or whomever is still showering. Carrie suggests joining him, Miranda says she’s afraid he’ll pull out garlic and a cross – so wait…now he’s not just religious but also a vampire hunter???

Char asks where Big's mother goes to church and Carrie responds that it's Park Ave Presbyterian, which Char claims is a good church, the best on the east side. And then Carrie says, “The thing is, I’m dying to meet his mother.”

Oh.

God.

Here it comes.

She’s going to do something ridiculous to run into them at church or insert herself in some way.

Char says “getting in on the good side of his mother is like closing the deal.” Are these women human? In which season do they start to have conversations with their significant others instead of with their lady friends?

Sam shows up to the party late. She's just had a 5 hour lunch W/some guy named James and claims she’s in love. Carrie equates Sam saying that she's in love to Moses parting the red sea. Oy vay.

Flashback to the "relationship" starting a couple of weeks ago (uck - cuz it's a relationship after a couple of weeks?) when Sam treated herself to a night of great music at a jazz club and gets approached by this guy who says he likes how she moves to the music. He joins her and afterward they walk and talk for blocks and Sam doesn’t ask him up. She shakes his hand instead and he asks if he can see her again. She says she had given up on men being able to talk to her other than saying “give it to me” and “go home.” She still hasn’t slept with him and she thinks he’s someone she could actually marry.

Carrie VO's that the idea of Sam getting married before Char does shakes Char to the core. She takes drastic action.....by making an appt for a tarot card reading. UUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH. Yup. That’s what I do whenever I’m in this kind of a bind.

BUT this lady is "Noni Stein – psychic to the stars", who lives in a brownstone between central park west and Columbus – does this matter to anyone who watches the show and doesn’t live in NY? Char goes to the appt again looking like a bridesmaid, this time in pink satin. The tarot reader doesn’t see marriage in her future b/c she draws three cards that add up to Char being an independent woman.

At Big’s apt they are eating pasta and Carrie says “who is this fabulous mother in the hat and when do I get to go to church with you two?” REALLY? Yup – cuz forcing yourself on his mother is the right way to get him to bring you. Maybe it’s a special time for the two of them? Mother/son time? Big leans toward the part of the conversation where she wants to go to church rather than realizing it’s b/c she wants to meet his mother – she says she’s not the antichrist, he says she’s not the church type. She immediately gets defensive and does the “what type am I” and gives him the serious face. HELLO – YOU WERE JUST JUDGING HIM FOR GOING TO CHURCH YOU HYPOCRITICAL CRAZY PERSON. He recovers by saying, the incredibly beautiful and intelligent type. He asks her what religion she is and she says she’s no one religion – open to all. Then she gets whiny, “come on, I want to go to church with you and your mommy” Did you just call someone else's mother "mommy"? That's not degrading or belittling at all. And he tells her, “well, it’s just a private thing my mother and I do, just the two of us.” Ha. Told you. she nods understandably but slightly pouty. Instead he asks if she wants to go to the Caribbean next week. She says she can get away but she can’t afford it. He says he’ll buy the tickets and she can buy him one big margarita.

Back over to Miranda getting pounded. After he’s done with his “Oh gods” she tries to force him to stay in bed by saying she wants to hold him. He’s clearly uncomfortable and she’s saying, “Isn’t this nice?” he doesn’t go for it and she says, “there’s nothing sinful about sex” and he goes OFF in a way that I love he's all sarcastic, “what are you going to tell me next, that God made our bodies and anything god made isn’t sinful? Ah! I’m healed! You’re free to go work with the lepers – thank you for saving my immortal soul.” Hahahahaha. Seriously – why can’t you have this conversation outside of bed and try to be productive about it instead of hijacking him and his feelings in the moment with your better than thou attitude?! He asks her to be gone when he gets out of the shower. Carrie says the same speech ends up later in his hit off-broadway play, "Shower of shame."

Samantha decides she is finally ready to do it w/ James. They exchange I love you’s and she tells him to unzip and get over to her. She then says she’s ready and "you can put it in" and he says “I am in.” Ouch.

Church street scene on a Sunday morning. Carrie and Miranda show up to SPY at church – both stick out like a sore thumbs since everyone is wearing black and they have colors on. Carrie looks like a mint green candy striper. They want to get a look at his mother and then go for eggs. Miranda is all pissy b/c she thinks all religions have been designed to “fuck up their sex lives.” Seriously - all of the arguments against religion and this is the one she's leaning on?

She sees him w/ his mother and thinks she’s fallen more in love with him. They all stand to pray, Miranda says they are out of here, and carrie drops her Hymnal onto the floor. OH yeah. They are standing on the balcony. Naturally everyone looks. And Big sees her. And so she waits after the mass. THEY WAIT AFTER THE MASS. She should’ve just left. She thinks she can’t pray and run. RUN GIRL. RUN. And maybe by the time he wants to truly introduce you to his mother she’ll have forgotten the incident completely. Carrie takes off her hat and approaches them. He introduces her as his “friend Carrie” – ouch. Carrie looks for a light of recognition but there is none. She even says as she shakes her hand, “CARRIE Carrie.” Like that should ring bells for his mother. When his mom leaves Big calls her out and I love it. She says, "My friend Carrie?” and he says, “You show up in church after I asked you not to, what are you trying to do, test me?” BAM! “Why the sudden interest in meeting my mother?” “Has she even heard of me?” “She doesn’t need to meet another girlfriend.” Yeah – that’s right. That's what he just said. You're asking him to define the relationship before he's ready. And before carrie gets all bummed out – he speaks the truth. You don’t introduce parents until it’s serious. Thems the rules. I don’t make em. And he says “I’ll introduce you when I’m sure. I have to do things on my timeframe.” She replies, “Timeframe? We’ve been going out for months.”

So here's my aside - Lemme break this down for y’all. “months” does not qualify as enough time for a dude to want you to meet his parents. And truthfully - after "months" you wouldn't meet mine either. Has it been a year? Then maybe. If it’s less than a year but a major holiday like xmas is coming up, then maybe. But months? Months is usually when the guy is just getting around to deciding he likes you enough to be exclusive - and if you're heading toward the 6 month marker, maybe he's figured out he loves you. You, meanwhile, (like Samantha) have decided to declare love after weeks. 1 month tops. You’ll only admit it to yourself and your closest friends, and they will convince you not to say it to him until at least months 3-6, at which point he will figure out he loves you too. We’ve all got our timeframes. The key is not scaring away someone who might be a little slower than you, and not hurting someone who might be a little ahead of you. Of course…it’d be ideal if you were on the same page. But let’s face it, this rarely happens.

He tries to assure her “we’ll get there. In a couple of days we’re going on vaca, we’ll have plenty of time to talk this over.” She gives him the “Go, just go” and she’s trying to sound breezy but she’s not at all. Now, I might hate SJP, but I will say that she’s pretty good at pulling the heavy heart routine. Big walks away disappointed, and I am seeing a set up for the off season that does not involve the two of them going on vaca together.

Miranda comes back to the church…Carrie tells her what happened. I want Miranda to say that she pushed it…what did she expect? She doesn't. NO one checks Carrie inn this episode, and I just want to cut them all. Carrie says, “I can’t get inside. I don’t know what else I can do.”

Later that night in the "church of disco" (literally a former church that is now a disco) Stanford hosts party to introduce a new fragrance called fallen angel. Stanford has a new boyfriend and Carrie says they worship the same god – style.
She tells Stanford she thinks the vaca is a consolation prize for not letting her in his life. I’m guessing Big thinks a vaca is just what he needs to determine if she’s someone he wants to introduce to his mother. But maybe that's me.

Miranda is at the bar and SKIPPER of all people approaches. Stanford apparently invited everyone in his rolodex. Skipper says he hoped he’d see her there. He says he’s been thinking about her since they broke up…ummm..yeah let’s go back to that. As I recall he stormed out on her right after sex…but whatever. She eyes up skipper while thinking of shower free sex.

Next, the girls surround Sam in the bathroom to ask about her sex life. She says it’s nice, but tells them that James has a "small dick. 3 inches. Hard." Char asks if he’s a good kisser and Sam replies, “who the fuck cares, his dick is like a gerkin.” She laments, "Why God why?" The girls say they've all been there. Miranda says he was with a guy that was the size of a miniature golf pencil and she could never tell if he was trying to fuck her or erase her. Miranda is all upset and talking about how much she likes a big dick and how when she blows him it’s nothing. I feel like Char is looking at her like “this could work for me.” Miranda says it’s the only thing she can’t talk about with him and Char asks, “how is he with his tongue.” Ba dum bum.

Char leaves claiming to go to another party but she goes to another psychic in a part of town that’s never mentioned in the New Yorker. *Gasp!* There’s a black woman smoking a cigar, chickens in the background, a statue of Mary, a Hispanic lady waiting, and a short white man “translating’ for the psychic lady. She presents an “egg” cracks it, and there's no yolk. This means she’ll never be married and furthermore, she’s cursed. For $100 they will remove the curse. (is this tarot card storyline supposed to be providing alternative options for religion? Loose.) She refuses to give in to the idea that she’ll never get married and decides she just needs to keep believing and it will happen.

Back at the club, it’s 3am and Miranda offers Skippy to spend the night. "The night? The whole night”? (goshy golly Wally. The whole night?) He says he knew they’d get back together. He says that every night he’d light a candle and say a little prayer. She calls him a freak. Yeah – that sounds like it'll be back to dysfunction inside of one orgasm.

Samantha goes back to James to try desperately to prove that love is stronger than sex. She cries the whole time and says it’s because she’s so happy.

Carrie says she stayed up all night questioning her faith in faith. Big shows to pick her up in his car and calls up to her window “hurry hurry hurry we’re going to miss the plane. She comes out, and he reaches for her bags and she says, "wait – put them down a sec.” oh lord. Here it comes.

She tells him she needs a sign b/c she’s losing faith. He says, “like what – a voice from above?” And she says, “Just tell me I’m the one.” HOW FUCKING DESPERATE ARE YOU? WHY WOULD YOU PUSH SOMEONE TO SAY THAT? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT THE SECOND IT LEAVES YOUR MOUTH IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO SAY? She can’t even look him in the eye as she asks. “You don’t have to tell your mother or the whole world, but just tell me.”

He doesn’t respond. Some seconds pass. He tells her to get in the car. She says “I love you but I can’t.”

“So that’s it?” And, like a 5 year old who is being scolded, she pulls her shoulders in, nods her head, and sort of looks up at him and nods.

He sort of cocks his head like “is this happening”? and then proceeds to get in the car.

HOW MANY EFFING MELTDOWNS IS THIS WOMAN GOING TO HAVE AND IS HE SUPPOSED TO PUT UP WITH THEM ALL?

“After he left I cried for a week. And then I remembered that I did have faith. Faith in myself. That one day I’d meet someone who would be sure, I am the one.”

VOMIT.

This EFFING SHOW.

What a disaster.

August 3, 2011

Episode 11: The Drought

Watch Date 7/25/11

Carrie narrates for us that NY city is all about sex: People getting it, trying to get it, and people who don’t get it. She says this as the camera pans the dating scene at some club/bar or another. “BUT,” she continues, “if you ever actually manage to get someone in bed, the real fun begins.” What does that even mean? Of course that’s where the fun begins. Cut to her spoon feeding ice cream to Big who is actually wearing old man pajamas. Seriously. Who wears those? They begin making out with ice cream in their mouths. Nothing says “gross” to me like swapping dairy products mouth-to-mouth. “After many weeks of sleeping together we are comfortable ACTUALLY sleeping together.” Okay, here we go. So this “real fun” she speaks of is the part about being in a monogamous relationship. I get it. She’s so cute. “It was nice. It was the way I always dreamed it could be.” I’m guessing she’s never been in a long term relationship before? (Note that “long term” here is still defined by “several weeks of sleeping together.” Gosh that’s so long term!)

The next morning, she wakes him up by kissing him. Just as he rolls over to enjoy her good morning, she FARTS. Oh God. She FARTED.

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah! Fantfriggintastic! She immediately freaks out by putting her head under the covers and hiding her shame. Big says “it might be worse under there.” He laughs like a hyena as she stumbles out of the room covered in the sheet and hits her head on the door on the way out. Really? She couldn’t just laugh it off and apologize? She dresses to leave and what’s this she’s wearing? SKINNY JEANS???? They weren’t even around then! And they are so high-waisted they look like a jeans version of the pants that Olivia Newton Jon wore in Grease. They are cutting so tight into her anorexic frame that even she looks like she’s got a muffin-top. This KILLS me when I see thin women basically giving themselves body fat by wearing clothes too tight. GO FOR A FITTING for crying outloud! Picture this...but in jeans and WAAAAY less attractive:



But anyway… He calls out from the other room, “wait don’t you want some coffee.” She responds, “Gosh I’m late for a thing” and leaves his room. She resigns herself not to call him the rest of the day and she can’t stop thinking about it. Seriously? Seriously? You can’t stop thinking about a fart?!

The next day she realizes she’s being childish and decides to take the “grown up approach” by being in denial. How is that a grown up approach? She tries to talk with him over dinner about going to the Met. He asks her for more duck sauce…oh god…is he going to put a whoopee cushion on her seat? (PS – she’s not wearing a bra.) AND YES – CUE WHOOPIE CUSHION! He laughs hysterically and she grins amiably. She wisely narrates that every relationship is reality, not romance. Later, she saunters into his room wearing a black nightie and looking as anorexic as ever. He’s already asleep and says he’s exhausted and wants to call it a night. I don’t know why, but this amuses me. And this becomes the first night they sleep together but don’t have sex.

By the middle of the next week the situation has progressed from the first time to three times in a row. Oy vay. “Three times? Try three months” Miranda says. And then tells Carrie to wipe the horrified look off her face. They then debate whether it’s worse to NOT be doing it when you’re with someone vs. when you’re NOT with someone. This is where I have to take Miranda’s side, no matter what she says, because God forbid us single ladies complain you know. Whatever is going on in our lives can always be topped by our friends in relationships. Carrie then goes off about how she farted and that’s why they aren’t having sex and that he thinks of her as one of the boys (Wait – how do you figure that? He’s never treated her that way.) And then she says the thing that makes me gag. She thinks he’s perfect and she’s ashamed because she’s just a lowly human. Wake up woman! Geezus – she really has this guy on a pedestal.

Carrie keeps on about it. “Is it normal to be in the same bed and not do it?” CRIMINY I’d blow my brains out if these people were my friends. Miranda says “it depends on what’s normal for you.” TOUCHE MIRANDA. Way to bring this back to reality, which, one whoopee cushion ago, Carrie seemed to hold as her talisman. Miranda continues, “One month [without sex] was interesting, two was numbing, and three…I’m going out of my mind.” FOR FRIGGIN SERIOUS? THESE LADIES? Are they even ladies? Three months without sex when you’re NOT in a relationship…how on earth do you survive????

So now it’s stats time. According to the show, there are 1.3 million single men in NY and 1.8 single women and, according to Carrie’s calculations, only about 12 think they are having enough sex. So, she wonders, how often is normal?

Cue the street scenes!

“I have to masturbate three times a day just to make it through. Some ppl take coffee breaks, I take jerk off breaks.” – Man on street

They say the average 33 year old woman has sex 3.3 times a week. I’d like to know who that woman is.” – woman on street (who is friggin’ hilarious.)

“You know my wife and I haven’t had sex since the baby was born. The baby is applying to Yale next fall.” – Man on street

“One time a day. But two times on very special day.” – Woman on street. (not sure if this is supposed to be an attempt at some sort of racial joke, as the woman is Asian and they make it seem like she can barely speak English and is some sort of sex fiend.)

Sam says that “normal” is the halfway point between what you want and what you can get. This seems rational to me. Is it possible that I’m coming to like Sam?

Carrie asks her if the three nights of no-sex in a row is a problem and Sam says yes because sex is the “relationship barometer.” Carrie then musters the courage to tell her she farted in Big’s bed and Sam says it’s a huge mistake. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT A FART! Carrie says, “this is a watershed relationship moment – I’m never going to be able to erase it.” Really? If there is a man in the world who would not be able to forget a fart in bed if presented with the right amount of sex, food {insert ANY of his interests here}, I’d like him to come forward right now. Sam agrees with me and gives her the following advice: “Go over there and fuck his brains out – men aren’t that complicated. They are kind of like plants.”

Meanwhile, in the non-fart world, Sam propositions her yoga instructor while he’s helping her do her breathing and so they go for coffee. He looks kind of like a
jacked up version of Brian Bloom, who has done a lot of voice work for video games and cartoons, but I fervently remember from the hit 80’s move, “Dance til Dawn” which also starred Christina Applegate, Matthew Perry, Alyssa Milano and others. (I need to rewatch it and do a comparison to the recent “Prom” release!) But yeah…the Yoga guy tells her pretty much immediately that he practices “tantric celibacy” and he gave up sex three years ago. She says “My god why? Or more importantly….why?” He admits that in his old life he used to have it three times a day, sometimes with different women, but that was all ego and where he is now is so much better than sex. He starts turning her on right at the table by equating it to feeling like a 3 year pent up feeling of foreplay. She tries to lure him to the apt but he says “the only thing hotter than sex. Is not having it.” (Maybe he should tell that to Miranda.)

The next night, Carrie has dinner with Charlotte and immediately starts in on the big drama. Going over the play by play of what mood he was in every time they DIDN’T have sex. But when it comes to the part with the fart, she can’t bring herself to tell Charlotte. Seriously???? Char confided in you that some guy was pressuring her for butt sex but you can’t tell her about one small fart? That’s friendship right there. Hold it all back. Char thinks people put too much importance on sex. “Take Kevin and I for instance. We’ve been going out for weeks and we still haven’t done it.” She thinks he’s sweet because they touch and cuddle he respects her boundaries. I think it’s like hanging out with a G rated friend. I can’t believe Carrie couldn’t say that she FARTED. Grow the f*ck up Carrie!

Kevin, it turns out, is supposed to be meeting them for dinner and it turns out Carrie’s already slept with him 3 years ago. Not serious. When Kevin isn’t at the table, Char asks why they broke up and Carrie says it was because he’s a sex maniac. Hmmm…so should Charlotte be worried? Why is he okay with this “G rated relationship” then? Charlotte interprets his waiting as making him even MORE special since she assumes he’s massively into sex. Cue scene of Char in bed with this guy. But he stops mid sex-act to say he’s just not that sexual a person. She admits that Carrie called him a “maniac.” He says that was before Prozac. Now, nothing phases him. Char looks concerned.

Carrie pacing in her apt freaking out about going to see Big and NOT having sex. She’s wearing jogging pants so tight that again, even she looks fat in them. She’s debating even going over there. Across the way, she can see her new neighbors doing it up against a wall. She watches for a bit and then calls Big because her desire overcomes her fear. Okay call me crazy…but I think I’d be MORE embarrassed to admit to being turned on and watching the neighbors doing it than to farting in someone’s bed. AMIRITE?

Meanwhile Sam is out with the yoga guy. He’s reading her some BS about tantric sex while he has a hard on. She tries to go down on him – he doesn’t let her.
Carrie shows up at Big’s place all hootchied up wearing some skirt she likes that hugs her hips and says he doesn’t have a prayer. She comes in and lays one on him. He looks confused and says “come on in. I’m watching the fight.” Next scene he’s watching the fight and she’s draping herself all over him - pathetically. It’s round 4 of the fight with 1 minute left and she’s trying to get into his pants. She tries to block his view and he pushes her off of him. 33 seconds left and she’s still trying. It’s embarrassing. WHAT NORMAL WOMAN WOULD PURSUE THIS AT THIS JUNCTURE? He finally says, “Jesus Carrie, will you knock it the fuck off? I’m trying to watch this fight.” Hahahahahahahahahaha. She immediately gets up and does the “Fine I’ll leave.” He asks her what is wrong and she totally projects “Maybe I’m not perfect and I don’t fit in with your perfect life and your perfect pay per view fight and maybe I should leave.” YES HEADCASE. LEAVE. She waits outside for the obligatory “He’s coming to stop me 10 seconds.” He doesn’t. And he doesn’t even call to apologize. Alright, I don’t even like Big, but at this point, if I were him, I’d say “sayonara crazy lady!”

She doesn’t sleep all night and Sam doesn’t sleep either because she’s so horny.
Sam, meanwhile, rents a 5 hour documentary on the Nuremburg trial to get her mind off of sex. She’s walking to blockbuster in these HUGE OVERALLS and a doughty sweater when a construction worker cat calls her, “Hey gorgeous. Why don’t you drop this? I got what you want!”

Carrie takes on a home project to keep from obsessing. Doorbell rings. It’s Miranda. We are now up to three months and 1 week without sex. Hey wait – what happened to “Ed the accountant” from last time??? Miranda asks if Big called. It’s been 2 days and Carrie hasn’t heard from him. Carrie says it’s over and she should never have farted. I can’t even believe I’m still watching this show. Miranda, thank god, says “Jesus Carrie, I’ve heard enough about the fart. It’s not the fucking fart.” YAY!!!! Someone who sees reason! Carrie admits that she knows it’s not the fart – but she thinks she’s in love with him and she’s terrified he’s going to leave her because she’s not perfect. So then it all comes down to the age old issue of her feeling like she’s constantly putting on a show for him and she’s afraid that if he sees her the way she really is, minus the outfits and the poses that he’ll not like her for who she is. Okay, I get this. We all worry about whether we’re good enough and whether they will still like us if they get to know the REAL us. But did they have to keep going on and on about this flippin’ fart to make the point?

Miranda looks over and sees the neighbors doing it and the next thing you know all the girls are over and they are all watching WHILE THEY ARE EATING POPCORN like it’s a movie. Samantha says she’s standing firm on not doing it. Miranda thinks she’s given herself carpal tunnel (ew) and says, “Alright you guys – if I make it to 4 months…I’m humping one of you.” Watching the naked neighbors makes Char think it’s worth another try with Kevin because they like each other and that should be stronger than drugs. Oh Charlotte. Bless your horny and naïve heart.

Miranda goes back to blockbuster. The guy is there again, this time saying he’s got what she needs. Miranda gets in his face and goes off, saying that what she needs is to get laid. Suddenly he’s all “Geezus lady, I’m married.” I can’t decide what I like least about this interlude. The part where they make this married construction worker fit some stereotypical mold of gross, or the part where Miranda goes Kookoo-Lulu.

After seeing the neighbors doing it the night before, Sam goes to yoga and starts soliciting guys right on the yoga mat with a “Psst…wanna fuck?” One guy actually says no. The next guy says yes, however, and so she spends the rest of the afternoon doing it. Camera shot of the yoga instructor as a single tear rolls down his face.

Char positive she can break through to Kevin. She’s giving him a handjob while he’s got his arms behind his head asking if she’s getting tired. She stops and asks if he’d ever go off of the Prozac. He says no. She says, “even for me?” He says no and asks “Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who is kind and giving and not that interested in sex than with some unstable oversexed prick who just wants to get laid?” Oh man – there’s a question. And she says NO. He gets out of bed and leaves. OH MY GOD CHAR! You’re giving him up for sex?! I am suddenly reminded of the guy who kept trying to force Char to give him blowjays and how he SHE said, “you’re telling me you’d give up a woman who cares for you and would share all of your hopes and dreams and possibly be the future mother of your children for a blow job?”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow. Never saw that comin’. I thought she wanted a dream house and all of that BS?! What if this man is the one who could give her all of that?

Carrie says that her Saturday night dinner came and went with no call from Big so she continues to work on her cabinet project. But THEN he rings the doorbell. This might be the first time he’s been in her apartment, guys. He looks like a kid in a candy store. Wonder if she even realizes that she wasn’t allowing him access to her by cutting him out of that part of her world. She asks, “why didn’t you call?” He quickly responds, “Why didn’t you call?” Bam!– right back at ya! He roams through the apartment and says, “so this is where you live. ‘Bought time you invited me up.” She responds, “I didn’t invite you.” “I know,” he says, with an emphasis on the ‘know.’ See? He feels slighted by the fact that he’s never been asked. How seriously is he even supposed to take this relationship if he’s never been to her apartment? He says it’s a very nice place. She says “no it’s not. The floors need to be stripped, the curtains need to be redone. I need to change a lot of it.” “No no. I like it.” And ugh talking about the apartment is a metaphor for REALLY talking about her. Yup – next line – “I like it the way it is.” He asks her what the other night was about and she explains it away by saying she had a meltdown. He seems okay with it and doesn’t ask for more information. This would’ve been a perfect place for her to admit her fears, tell him she cares about him and is afraid his sexual rejection was indicative of a rejection of her/the relationship. But…nope. Big’s character is too suave for that kind of honesty. He then notices the couple humping outside the window and Carrie narrates, “all I could think was, “why aren’t we having sex. Is this normal? What’s wrong? Where are we going?” God. Is she 12? Open your bloody mouth and talk to him! He looks at the humpers and then looks at her and says “hell, we can do better than that” and leans in for a kiss. And that, my friends, is all it takes. Add bad jazz and end scene.

OH SWEET LORD this episode was about a fart! (even though I know it wasn’t.)

One more to go.

August 2, 2011

Episode 10: The Baby Shower

Watch Date: July 25, 2011

So there’s been a longer pause than promised. The truth was, I just didn’t want to watch the show. What’s happened in my life since the last episode? Well, I turned 35, volunteered for two weeks at One Step at a Time, finished Season 4 of Mad Men with my friend Casey and then started in on Dexter, read all of the Harry Potter Books before seeing HP 7.2 in the theatres, read Books 1 & 2 of the MaddAddam Trilogy by Margaret Atwood, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot, and just polished off The Partisan’s Daughter by Louis DeBernieres. Oh and finished Seasons 4, 5, and 6 of the Office. Can you tell I’m procrastinating?

Meanwhile, in SATC land, the DVD’s were out of my possession for a brief while, as the owner needed them back to loan to someone else. I’ve got them back now and can’t seem to find any other excuses. I have to start with saying that summer means my windows are open. And my fan is on. And that means the volume is up so I can hear the TV. And I’m embarrassed that this theme music is piping through my windows…

The episode begins with a truism. “Sometimes there’s nothing harder in life than being happy for someone else.” In this case, Carrie is referring to getting an invitation to a baby shower. All four of the girls are laying in Carrie’s bed watching TV and eating popcorn. Who does this with 4 women over the age of 12? Sam asks why people use babies to validate themselves and Carrie replies with something like, “why can’t they be normal and validate themselves with sex and cocktails.” She then asks if ANY baby shower is a bother, or if it’s worse because it’s Laney’s. Yay – mystery character 100 – some chick named Laney that, 10 episodes in, has never been heard from before.

Cue dramatic rock music to tell the background story of Laney Berlin – pictured in a leather jacket with short cropped punked out blonde hair and large hoop earrings that I haven’t seen the likes of since the Rhythm Nation video. Laney kisses a man at a party and then turns and kisses a woman with long blond hair who is walking around wearing bra. Meanwhile, OUR favorite trollops are watching from the sidelines. Miranda’s outfit looks tragic as per usual – she’s wearing a v-neck white t-shirt and a men’s business jacket, but she’s got a sassy bob wig on that could work. Sam is wearing some sort of leopard print spandex outfit with Texas hair and could possibly be wearing cymbals in her ears…and Carrie. Whoah Carrie – she looks like she’s trying to be Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly. Button down half top, long blond straight hair with extensions, and a pink cowboy hat. *shudder*

Their banter serves to show us how crazy Laney was in her day – boobs that make more public appearances than Jesus, a job that is basically corporate sex with an expense account, etc. etc. Even in the flashback the girls are bitter and it’s not clear if they are actually friends with this person. As Laney puts on an impromptu strip show, Sam says, “Look at her – the poster girl for low self esteem”…hmmm is this foreshadowing of her own behavior? Miranda says she also has low self esteem but she expresses it the healthy way, by eating a box of double stuffed Oreos. As Laney pulls off her bra, Sam says, “She’s so sad” to her group and then yells “Take it off!” to the room at large. WHY? Why do women do this to each other? Why do we cajole and compete over things that don’t even matter? Carrie goes on to explain that they (Laney and Sam) have a legitimate rivalry – both are wild, sexy and incredibly insecure. Okay, so Sam has a rationale…but really? What for? Because she can be the only wild, sexy and incredibly insecure woman on the block? No time to ponder because we are now seeing a boob shot of Laney. And our girls jaws drop. As she moves to take off her pants, Carrie says that 2 years ago, :Laney did the most shocking thing of all – met an investment banker, married him and moved to Connecticut. SHOCKING!

In the present time, the girls are still moping but no one has answered the question about whether the shower is worse because it’s Laney. Char plays the optimist by saying it’ll be fun b/c they’ve never been to visit her. “It’s a baby shower!” she exclaims. Miranda replies, “No, it’s a cult!” Miranda says “they” all think the same, dress the same, and sacrifice themselves to the same cause. Hmmm…okay but aren’t we all who are friends are? Don’t we all think slightly like the people we choose to hang out with? It’s like any in-group really. She says she’s lost two sisters to the motherhood and she knows what she’s talking about. (Oh man, I really hope this bites her in the ass when she eventually has a kid on the show.) Carrie then equates wild Laney with a two headed snake as if it’s a spectacle and that they have to pull over. Sam whimsically looks off camera visioning how fat her rival must be.

Carrie writes the date for the shower down at her window (white tube top, no bra) and realizes she’s 4 days late for her period.

That Saturday she’s dressed in this pink shell dress but she’s covered up by my grandmothers black funeral jacket sized XXL, holding a black clutch purse, has a black babushka on and a pair of low black sandals that you only see men wearing WITH black socks. Sam, meanwhile is wearing leather pants, a shirt that only has 2 buttons so you can see EVERYTHING, and a head scarf with animal print. Miranda is wearing, you guessed it, a man’s leather jacket. At least Carrie makes fun of Sam’s outfit and asks if there’s going to be belly dancing. Why doesn’t anyone ever call Miranda out for raiding her father’s closet?

Suddenly Carrie realizes she didn’t get a gift. Sam says she can go in on hers and pulls out a bottle of scotch. “The invitation said BYOB!” ummm…yeah, bring your own baby. Miranda is bringing a gift of condoms. No joke. Charlotte meanwhile comes running down the street holding a very large basket holding just about every sort of baby do-dad known to humankind and screaming for them to wait for her. They all pile into the convertible – Sam, Carrie and Miranda in the back seat and Char in the front passenger. Cue Sam saying cutely, “does anyone know how to drive?” Oh you crazy city girls!

Jazzy interlude music.

They drive to the party in the burbs. Upon entering, there’s some screams of excitement and Laney claiming, “I can eat whatever I want – jealous?” The girls once again look like the Witches of Eastwick because they are all in black. It’s a spring party…everyone else in attendance is in tans and light colors. All the mom-ladies are giving off a bitchy air until Char walks in with the “Bellini Baby Basket” and gets immediate kudos. Sam gives the bottle of scotch to Laney and says, “speaking of Bellinis, I’m going to have a big drink – jealous?” Laney pulls Carrie and Miranda aside and asks if Sam is still “barhopping and bedhopping” and comments that it’s really sad.

All the moms look alike and are creepy stepford types who claim they do everything with their kids and think of them as Gods, just so Miranda can have the line that 30 years from now no woman will make these kids happy. Char is enthralled and saying things like “Oh I wish they made this in my size” as Laney opens her gifts. And Carrie is sitting and wondering if she’s next to have a baby. She escapes to the bathroom to get away from the preview of the life she isn’t sure she was ready for. The bathroom has a naked picture of Laney preggers in it that convinces Carrie that the old Laney was buried deep inside and that it must be true of the other mommies.

She wonders what the other mommies are hiding. And…CUE “STREET” INTERVIEWS AT THE PARTY!

“Before I married my husband I slept around with everybody. Now I have an internet lover. No one knows.” Burps baby.

“When I was Senior VP, 212 people reported to me on a daily basis. Now I just yell at the gardener, who doesn’t understand a single word.” Eats cake.

Mom changing a diaper. “I’m exactly the same. I love my life. But every now and then I can’t help but think about…Lisa.”

“Sometimes I climb up into my kids tree-house with my walkman, light up a joint, and listen to Peter Frampton.”

Miranda is outside drinking coffee. Carrie says there’s a woman inside breastfeeding a child who could chew steak. “If you can ask for it, you’re probably too old to have it.” Oh I agree with this. Moms who breastfeed too long creep the shit out of me. Miranda suddenly thinks the old woman who eats the kids in Hansel and Gretel is misunderstood.

Char and Laney are talking and Char tells her that her home is beautiful. Laney says some stuff about settling down and that life isn’t just a Jacklyn Smith novel – four friends looking for life and love in the big city…Char looks terrified. She offers to clean up after the party but just then another mom lets it slip that the baby name is either going to be Todd or Shayla. Shayla, apparently, is Char’s “secret baby name” and she freaks out! Supposedly she told Laney this made up name years ago and Laney is now playing dumb about it, claiming her husband heard it somewhere. Charlotte yells at her. Sam walks in and asks what’s going on and when Char tells her, she turns and calls Laney a bitch and then grabs Char by the hand and walks out. Points to Sam for being a loyal friend even though she could probably care less about a friggin’ baby name.

They stop for beers and bar nuts off of Route 5 on the way home. Note that despite Carrie thinking she could potentially be pregnant…the drinking doesn’t stop. Charlotte says she wishes she’d had a baby sooner because then she could have that baby name. She’s all upset because she doesn’t want to be 40 before she has a kid. Miranda says showers just make you feel depressed. Sam says she loves her life and she’s not going to feel inadequate because of baby talk. Again…thank you Sam!
As Char heads for the bathroom, Carrie tries to walk the middle ground by claiming to know plenty of cool, hip mothers who live in the city and have great careers. They all challenge her to name one and in response she says, “I’m late…I missed my period.” Sam yells for another round of beers. She says she’s not going to tell Big until she knows for sure. Char returns from the bathroom and asked what she missed. They all lie and say nothing. Carrie downs her drink.

That night Char gets out her hope chest. In it she has an embroidered pillow for Shayla, a picture of a townhouse in the city, a beach house in east Hampton, her dream man – (JFK Jr.) and a picture of a back up dream man…she tears it all up and hugs the box. I don’t get it. Are these people women or children?

Carrie is on Day 8 of missing her period so she goes shopping for tests. Miranda finds a box of tests that are on sale. Carrie admits to spending $395 on a pair of open toed Gucci’s and says that now is not the time to be frugal. Soooo…we’re still having some spending issues, are we Carrie? 4 Hundo on a pair of shoes???? Carrie then wonders if she’d be any good at being a mother. “Can you picture us with babies?” My answer? NO.

5 hours later…she decides she can’t take the test until she knows how she feels about the results. The phone rings and it’s Laney calling to say thanks for coming. She says she knows she was a bitch but blames it on her hormones. Laney says she misses the old time s and wants to get together – and not just say it but really do it. Carrie rushes her off the phone to go to one of Samantha’s parties and Laney is upset that she didn’t know about it. Carrie reassures her with a “next time.”

Turns out Sam was throwing herself an “I don’t have a baby shower” party to let everyone know she was fabulous. Miranda is making out with some guy named Ed who is supposedly Samantha’s accountant. In front of everyone. Ugh. Suddenly Laney bursts in the door and says that the entertainment has arrived. There’s the obligatory awkward party foul/stop moment before everyone resumes what they were doing. She says she wants drinks and that because she’s due any day, one drink won’t matter.

Char goes off, questioning why Laney is there when Laney thinks they are all so quaint and how could she possibly miss them. Laney asks, “what’s your problem?” Charlotte’s response, “I had a dream and you killed it.” (Seriously? You had to reexamine a hope chest full of BS and a name that was ridiculous. Move on.) Laney retorts, “Well, at least you know what happened to your dream. I’m still trying to figure out what happened to mine.”

Oh hey guys, Miranda reports that Ed the accountant is a good kisser and he’s going to do her taxes for free. I guess that’s something.

Some friend of Carrie’s named “Jonathan Bicks” approaches and asks about charlotte. He’s a trader at Bear Stearns and just bought a house in the Hamptons. Oh god – if Carrie says he’s perfect…I’ll vomit. “Char suddenly realized all was not lost.” Oh effin’ christ with these women whose self worth depends on someone else. OH and he looks like a skinny troll doll in a polo shirt. “As she sipped her beer she mentally scotch taped her dream house back together.” Jeezy Creezy.

Laney thinks the party sucks and asks if anyone wants to see her tits…Sam says “This is at once so sad and the most fabulous validation I’ve ever gotten in my life.” Gotta love Sam’s honesty. Except that as Laney tries to pull her shirt up over her head something comes over her and she can’t do it. Carrie calls it the invisible electric fence that won’t let her run free. I think it’s the goal of the show to use every type of metaphoric device possible. Laney says, “Nobody told me this was going to happen. One day you’re going to wake up and you’re not going to recognize yourself.” Carrie puts her in a cab back to Connecticut.

Carrie spends the next day watching kids play at a park to determine if she could be a mom if she had to. Ha – yeah…cuz that will tell ya. On the way home from the park, she sashays along wearing a school girl skirt and a white cotton blouse, you know, like most mothers wear. And she’s totes nippin’ out. And she gets her period. No facial expression so you can’t tell if she is happy or sad about it. And that’s the end.

At least I didn’t have to look at Mr. Big during this episode. I half expected her to freak out and tell him she was pregnant, ask him if he’d stay with her if she was, etc. I’m glad they didn’t go there.

Look, I get it. We’ve all been in times and places in our lives when it’s been hard to be happy for someone else. But it seems like these ladies are unilaterally opposed to it. Not only are they jealous of each other, but they are jealous of their fringe “friends” as well. They are completely self interested, spend their time belittling others as a way of validating themselves, and do very little to advance themselves emotionally because they are too busy pointing fingers in the other direction. Maybe this is where the show could benefit from giving these ladies some screen time with their families? Some moments of honesty with a mom or a sister? Something that gives us an indication that they get how pathetically catty and childish they are being…I’m really looking forward to moving past this season.

May 4, 2011

Episode 9: The Turtle and the Hare

Watch date 3/17/11
What’s that you say? I watched this episode over a month ago? Yes, I know. Pathetic? Also yes.

We begin with Carrie saying that in a city of perfect people, no one was more perfect than Brooke, an interior designer who only dates A-list guys. Again with the job listing? So is she perfect because she’s an interior designer? And why is NY a city of perfect people? I thought that was L.A.? And what’s with the fascination with perfection Carrie? So apparently Brooke, the perpetually perfect and single woman gets married, shock of all shocks, to a man she once described as “more boring than exposed brick” who also happened to be an old geezer. The shame! What could possibly be her motivation? Do we see a gold digger settling down? Will Carrie end up being envious of Brooke’s new boring lifestyle?

The wedding is your average wedding for $150/head with lots of proper socialites and yet somehow Carrie, Sam, Miranda and Charlotte are there. No idea how they know Brooke or why. We do know that Carrie’s gang looks like “The Witches of Eastwick” by comparison to the rest of the guests simply because they are all wearing various black dresses….


Hmm. Maybe that's pretty spot on. Miranda’s hair looks spectacularly like she just got out of bed. And who knows? Maybe she did. They all get stuck at a singles table that’s really more like the “kids and dumpy people table.” Carrie’s lipstick is so red it’s painful. Her hair looks like she could double for Aslan from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Enter Larry Turtletab who is described to us as a NY legend known for 2 things – good investments and bad breath. Poor poor man. He immediately hits on Sam who scurries away b/c of the aforementioned bad breath, so he gets in Carrie’s face to say that Sam’s gorgeous and he wants to get to know her. “The Turtle” as they call him, looks like a turtle (according to them). He’s bald with bad glasses, a bad suit, and a bad tie. His conversational stylings include asking what kind of pears are in the tartlet while the girls look onto the dance floor almost wishing they were out there for “that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it”.

Two hours later they are bored. They are running out of booze and Sam’s left them high and dry to get hit on by some other dude. They are lamely sitting around the table being complete party poopers. Char wonders if they should stick around and catch the bouquet. The bride, I just realized, is Jake Ryan’s girlfriend Caroline Mumford (Haviland Morris) from Sixteen Candles!
As she hugs Carrie goodbye, she says “it’s always better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them.” Carrie nods understandingly but has a quizzical “wtf” expression over the brides shoulder.

Back at Carrie’s apartment, she’s pulling the Doogie routine in bed. (Much like I am right now.) “People are always telling me things I don’t want to hear. But this one crossed the line.” Crossed what line? What the eff does that mean? Did it offend her delicate sensibilities to hear that this woman decided she valued security over passion? And sorry people are telling you things you don’t want to hear. It’s called ADULTHOOD. But anyways, she calls BIG [Oh here we go.] and asks him, “Why do people get married if they aren’t in love.”

“Companionship, guilt. Political asylum?” She asks him why he got married. He says he was in love. (so this conversation no longer has anything to do with the question you posed, and that question only really served to lob up this conversation. Interesting. And pathetic.) So yeah, he was in love but tells her he’s never getting married again. Bam, Carrie. Take it. She then asks him IF HE’S IN BED WITH SOMEONE. What??? How is that a response to “I’ll never get married again?” What friggin self esteem does this chick have? Zero? She then wonders if she can date a man who won’t get married as she eats a huge piece of the wedding cake.

Cue up the roundtable discussion. They discuss the fact that it seems no men want to get married and then Char says the thing I HATE hearing whenever it comes up. “What if you spend 5 years with this guy and in the end you have nothing to show for it?” ??????????????????????????? Why God why? Would it be better to be divorcing him after 5 years? Is marriage really the thing that would make it better? This rationalization for marriage kills me. I also get appalled when people follow up the same logic with stating that relationships that don’t end in marriage are a wasting your time as you get older. Why can’t they just be learning experiences and moments on the road? Why does it have to be wasted time? People who say this are the kinds of people who define themselves based on the presence of an “other” in their life. They need lives of their own.

Miranda then tells them that men are going to be obsolete soon because you don’t need them to talk to, have kids, with, or have sex with. And here it is folks. The uncomfortable moment no one was waiting for. Miranda got a vibrator and thinks she’s in love with it. Sam says, “if you’re going to get a vibrator, at least get one called the horse.” Once again, touché Sam! Charlotte says vibrators don’t call on your birthday, send you flowers or meet your mother. And then *shudder* as Miranda wiggles two of her fingers around she says “well, I know where my next orgasm is, who here can say as much?”

That night while Sam is on a date Miranda takes them toy shopping. The rabbit is $92 so they balk about the price while Char says she wants to have sex with someone she loves. But then they open the package, she sees it’s pink and she gets all excited about it.

Jerry (the guy Sam bailed everyone for at the wedding) took Sam to Lava. “New York’s restaurant du jour.” Gimme a break. It looks like Harry’s Bar & Grille on Oakland Avenue, which was a restaurant “du jour” about twenty years ago. Oh and Jerry looks like what Crocodile Dundee might have looked like if he actually was attractive BUT then had his face hit with a frying pan. He tells her “From the moment I saw you I knew we’d be having dinner together.” Who buys this shit? As he talks to her he’s eyeing up someone else, but Sam doesn’t notice. He then says “hold that thought, I’ll be right back.” 10 min and a cpl of cocktails later…he’s ditched her for that other someone. Ouch. Sam goes to find him and in the process stumbles across The Turtle who invites her to join him. She hesitates but acquiesces and eventually tells him about his breath! He takes it good naturedly because it’s due to some Chinese herbs he’s taking. She enjoys her dinner with him and tells Carrie over the phone that once they get his breath under control she’s going to get him some new outfits and calls him a cute little “fixer upper.” Another thing I hate hearing. Why oh why do some women insist on treating men like apartments?

Carrie is now pacing the apt in these horrific pajamas – they look like pj pants she may have worn when she was eight because they are TIGHT patterned pants. Her quandary for the week folks – “in a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?” So now it’s a city of perfect people AND a city of great expectations. I can’t keep up.

She decides to meet Brooke for the answer and asks her how it is being married. “Fabulous, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.” (Man I feel sorry for you Brooke. Was it you putting this pressure on yourself? Your friends? Your family? Does Carrie follow up with any of these questions? NO.) Carrie asks if she’s happy with Alan. “Yes, I’m happy.” Carrie pusses out and replies, “then I’m happy for you.”

Brooke says “We all think we’re Caroline Bissette, but then one day Joe Joe is gone and we realize we’re happy just to have a man who wants to throw around the Frisbee.” What does this even mean? Someone shoot me if I settle. It’s one thing to desire companionship but b*tch please! ESCALATE YOURSELF instead of worrying about escalating other people! They run into Sam with The Turtle who she’s done over in Helmut Lange. Clearly this makes him a better person more suited to Sam. She escalated him.

“Sam left with the turtle, Brooke left with a better gift, and I left wondering if everyone in Manhattan was settling.” Seriously – why is it that when her friends go through something, she suddenly wonders if the entire city is going through it? Is that how journalism is done?

“My Zen teacher once told me that there’s nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind.” So now she has a Zen teacher and does yoga? We’re 9 episodes in people. What the eff. Where is this coming from? She’s with charlotte and as they are stretching, charlotte says, “I think I broke my vagina.” Okay that’s hilarious. She’s afraid that if she keeps using the rabbit, she’s never going to be able to enjoy sex with a man again. She then talks about how with the rabbit it’s boom every time and one time she orgasmed for like 5 minutes. Char decides to quit completely….but then she immediately cancels on going to the play they were planning to see that night because she’s going to stay in with it.

Carrie invites Stanford to the ballet because “I knew he was available.” And she says it in this accusatory tone. Wait – why is Big unavailable? Did you ask him?
Stan says he’s had it with the gay scene because it’s so competitive. He had placed a personal ad and arranged a meeting with the only one who responded. The guy showed 20 minutes late, approached him and says “Stanford?” Looks him up and down and says, “Sorry this is not going to happen.” Stanford thinks he gets rejected because he doesn’t think he has a gay look. Carrie says, “maybe it’s just a phase.” “Puberty is a phase. 15 years of rejection is a lifestyle.” Sometimes he thinks he should just get married and get all the money. “There’s a cash prize.” His grandma gives out their inheritance when they get married and she doesn’t know he’s gay because she doesn’t believe in it. Stanford thinks he and Carrie should get married because they both like shoes and men in tights.

She spends Saturday afternoon in bed with Big and tells him about her proposal from Stanford like she’s some sort of cool and suave girl who really wants to break his heart and play it loosey goosey. He asks her what she’s going to do about sex, as he knows Stanford is gay. She says “that’s what I have you for.” Really? She’s playing this game with him? What a friggin’ idiot. His only response is, “looks like you’ve got it all figured out.”

Later that day she’s supposed to go to a gallery opening for Charlotte with Miranda but Char calls to cancel because she’s staying home with her vibrator. She is claiming, however, that it’s because she’s totally wiped out. Miranda and Carrie go to her apartment for a rabbit intervention. They literally walk into her bedroom and ask her to hand it over. She is, of course, laying around in pristine white silk pajamas. You know. Like you do. Carrie says, “with a little help from her friends, Char decided she wasn’t going to settle for herself.”

Sam is on a date with The Turtle and realizes that even with all of the adjustments, he’s still just The Turtle. In black. TAH DAH! What the heck did I say! She excuses herself from dinner and says she’s not feeling very well – she’ll call him. He immediately turns to the woman at the bar and asks her if she likes his shirt b/c his ex-girlfriend picked it out. Resourceful that Turtle.

12 phone calls and three emails from Stanford means he convinces Carrie to meet his Grandmother. She seems a delightful old woman who shows Carrie her family photos and asks Carrie if she wants a family and here comes the sentiment. “As I looked around at all of the old photos and memorabilia I realized….blah blah blah.” Grandma sends Stanford for some matches and the second he’s gone she tells Carrie he’s “a fruit.” Nice grandma.

That night at dinner, I knew I’d have to break the news to Mr. Big. Oh dear lord, one drama after another. Why can’t she just talk to him about it and ask him if he meant it or if it was a cheeky response? Why does it always have to be drama/tears/beers? He’s making pasta and wearing a gray vneck sweater with nothing under it like he’s some sort of precursor to hipsters.

Oh lord. He asks her how his pasta sauce is and she responds “I do want to get married some day. I can’t date someone who won’t – I mean, what’s the point?” He says “definitely too much salt.” He then talks about timing and cooking and says he thought they were having fun. He then makes her try the pasta sauce and she says “It’s better but it definitely has possibilities” – how does this answer anything? He then tells her she has sauce on the lips and kisses her. “My zen teacher also said that the only way to true happiness is to live in the moment and not worry about the future.” Welllll why couldn’t you have remembered that advice before painfully putting us through that episode? And I’ll bet my favorite pair of converse you forget that advice and spend the rest of the season worrying about the future anyway.

Last line of the show, “of course, my Zen teacher died penniless and single.” WHAT? Was that an attempt at comedy? How does this back up your rationalization for the last scene? Are you following his advice or not? I don’t get it.

End.

UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. This was by far the worst episode yet for me to watch. It was painful listening to Miranda talk about masturbation. Painful to see Sam try to remake a man. Painful to watch Carrie fumble through yet another situation that would be remedied by sincere dialogue. Just painful. The best part was that bit about Char breaking her vagina as she’s pulling Carrie toward her for a yoga stretch. I have to admit…this one was bad enough (meaning I was uninterested the whole way through) that I was completely uninterested in continuing with this project. But, due to some clamoring from a few friends…I will continue on. Three more episodes to go in Season 1. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

April 13, 2011

A Pause...

Sorry for the break in reviews. I will resume with episode 9 after the tax deadline. Right now it's kind of the only thing going on in my life in one shape or another...and I'm not even one of the lucky ones who actually DOES the returns. More soon!

March 9, 2011

Episode 8: Three's a Crowd

Watch Date 2/28/11

The episode begins with ….oh good god. It’s another “once upon a time in a magical land called Manhatten” beginnings…So that’s three times in eight episodes. Hello Darren Starr…can we get some originality please? We find Charlotte at a black tie event where – UNBELIEVABLY she “falls in love” when she locks eyes with a guy named Jack. Oh wait – it’s not so unbelievable. New week, new love. He looks like I expect it would look if Dolf Lundgren was actually a dwarf and he mated with an ape. She officially stalks him, attending all of these charity events he attends until they make contact and begin officially dating. And of course, according to Carrie, he’s perfect for her. He’s an architect, a philanthropist and the sex is amazing. Now I don’t know how many of you are keeping track…but that’s the fourth guy that is supposedly perfect for Charlotte. Let’s take a look:

• Sean – the guy that was too serious for Carrie so she passed him off to Charlotte. They were a perfect match until she realizes they don’t agree on China.
• Brian – had Charlotte’s top three things - looks, manners, and money. Unfortunately he wanted to give it to her up the butt.
• Michael Conway – Apparently came from a “good Manhattan family” BUT liked to try to pressure Charlotte into Blowjays. Hmmm…

So, in reviewing the evidence, I’m going to call Bullshit right now on this “Jack” guy being perfect for her. They start sleeping together and sure enough…he asks her what her fantasies are in bed. Poor Charlotte responds that she’s always wanted to do it in her parent’s bed. You so crazy Charlotte! You know what this means people – whatever he says next is going to be either a) some crazy shit or b) something she will never in a million years consent to. Yup. Here it is: he says his fantasy is “You me, and another woman.” He gives her some line about how hot it makes him thinking about it and so they begin to have sex. And in this scene we see Charlotte’s nipples for the first time. Awww. What a moment.

From here we go to the standard SATC scene two - the roundtable discussion while eating/drinking. I must mention that Miranda has her hair blown back like she’s Kirk Douglas in Wall street.

Char: “Jack wants me to do it” [a threesome]
Miranda: “Of course he does – all men do.”
Samantha:“Threesomes are huge right now, they are the bj of the 90’s”
Char: “what was the blowjob of the 80’s?”
S: “Anal sex.”
Carrie: “Any sex period”
M: “Don’t let him pressure you into it. It’s just this guy’s cheap ploy to
watch you be a lesbian for a night.”
S: “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.”
M: “I had a threesome once, I think. In college. I was drunk, I woke up in
someone else’s bra.”
S: “The only way to do a threesome is to be the guest star – all the great sex
without wondering what it will do to your relationship.”
Char: “But you don’t have relationships.”
S: “Which is why I have great sex.”
Carrie: “I’ve never done a threesome.”
M: “Because you have relationships.”
Char: “I’ve never had one.”
S: “Of course you haven’t – you won’t even wear a thong.”
Char: (confidently) “Jack thinks I’m sexy.”
M: “He’s just buttering you up – first he tells you you’re hot, then the next
thing you know you’re kissing another woman while he beats off.”
S: “Just make sure the other woman isn’t a friend – use someone random.”
M: “That’s romantic!”
Char: “I think I’d feel safer with a friend – someone I could trust – like
Carrie.” (Who, by the way, is wearing a blue tank top and no bra.)
Carrie: “Oh gee, I’m flattered, but I’d go with someone with more experienced.
Like Sam.”
S: “Well thanks, but there is something sexy about a first timer like
Charlotte.”
Miranda looks awkwardly around, “oh great forget about me. I’d do it with you
guys. It’s like picking teams for dodgeball all over again.

So, this becomes Carrie’s quandary for the week: Was Samantha right – are threesomes the new sexual frontier? Are threesomes the relationship of the future?

Cut to Sam’s breasts as she moans in bed. She’s “guest starring” in a show called “Sam does the married guy.” Ken is a 37 year old wine importer. What’s with giving us their resume every time? Is it supposed to make these men or their characters more real to us?

Charlotte 5 hours later: OMFG - Charlotte’s hair is in CORNROWS to the back of her head. I shit you not. She looks like she just got back from a trip to Jamaica.



They are at a date at a fundraiser for Dyslexia and Jack IMMEDIATELY begins pointing out ladies for potential threesomes. Some girl comes over to ask for a light and Jack claims the girl was flirting with Charlotte because she’s such a turn on. This guy makes my skin crawl with his obviousness.

He asks the woman to join them and the next thing you know, Jack is doin’ it with this other woman and charlotte is taking off her clothes and JOINING them….but of course it was just a dream. Aaah that mind trickery. Carrie says “she hadn’t been that excited since she tried on her JV cheerleading uniform for the first time.”

The next thing you know, Miranda’s in therapy. Seriously – therapy? What happened? Where has this therapist been for 8 episodes? Why is she seeing him? So this older bald manis asking her what she thinks her dream meant. “I’m in the sandbox with Miranda, Char and Carrie and none of them want to play with me.” She’s wearing a men’s pinstripe business suit and it’s double breasted. Jeezaloo. “I know it’s juvenile, but it bothers me, I’m attractive, I’m smart, plenty of people should want me for a threesome.” Therapist seems confused and says, “So you’re saying you’re attracted to your girlfriends?” Her response? “NO! But if your friends won’t go down on you, who will?” OH GRILLED CHEEZUS! WHAT THE HELL. This is putting her into therapy?

Char tells carrie her dream and that she can’t stop thinking about it and that she thinks she enjoyed it. Carrie fashion update - she is wearing what can only be described as a pair of knickers, a doily for a top, and a knee length jacket on top. I don’t understand it. If you need a jacket, why are you naked underneath? Carrie tells Char that her that dreams are a great way to experiment. But should she do it? it. “Jack thinks I have a fire inside me.” “Tell him they make a cream for that.” BAH HA HA! Possibly the funniest thing that’s been said in 8 episodes. Carrie tells her that she shouldn’t do it just to make Jack happy. Charlotte asks, “maybe it would bring us closer?” Ummmm…in what world does this happen???? Carrie THANKFULLY says, “sweetie, don’t you think it’s weird that you’re thinking of sleeping with someone you don’t know to get closer to Jack?” “But how well do we ever know the people we sleep with?” Okay – seriously. Maybe if she wasn’t changing perfect boyfriends every week like they were interchangeable Ken dolls, she WOULD get to know her partners. Just sayin’.

Meanwhile, Carrie disagrees with my summation. “That’s the thing about Charlotte – just when you’re about to write her off as a Park Avenue Pollyanna, she says something so right on that you’d think she’s the Dalai Llama.” Yup. You got it right. The Dalai Llama would definitely have the same opinion about how well you know your sexual partners. Sheesh.

Carrie wonders, If Charlotte’s considering a threesome, who isn’t? Who answers these threesome ads? Aaah – newspaper personal ads. Remember those?

And so it’s time for my favorite part of SATC - Let’s go to the streets!
Here they have actors reading off different ads. It’s kind of comical in thinking about whose behind the paper version of the ad. It’s not like those ads had photos with them a la craigslist, match.com or eharmony.

“Wall street hot shot seeks two horny gals for a fuck fest at my Hampton summer home. No fatties please.”

“Sweet suburban school teacher seeks two men to fulfill her wildest fantasies. You be black or Hispanic, I’ll be on time. I need your dick now.”

“Xfiles fanatics seek Scully look alike for abduction fantasy.”

“Me: gorgeous with big boobs. You a couple with class. Let’s experience everything this city has to offer. I’m into museums, blow jobs, the theatre, and golden showers.”

Carrie feels like she’s the only one who believes in one on one relationships. She and Mr. big have progressed to sleepovers. He comes out wearing a pair of brown pants with PLEATS and a navy button down shirt to ask her which tie to wear. She puts his tie on and he says “be careful, I could get used to this.” He asks her if she wants to meet for lunch and she says she can’t b/c she has an interview. About threesomes. She then asks if he’s done one. “Sure, who hasn’t.?” ummm…AWKWARD! “Really? With who?” “My ex wife.” EVEN AWKWARDER!

“You were married?” “Yeah – I thought I told you.” Um – okay maybe I shouldn’t be the one to say this since I’m older than dirt and happily single, but I want to say WHAT DOES SHE EXPECT? He’s in his 40’s and single…does she really think that in this day in age, it’s b/c he’s STAYED single?

So now she’s all upset because he’s got an ex-wife and they obviously had wild sex. Talking to Miranda and Sam over a perfume counter, “We used to have wild sex. Now we have sweet sex. Wild always beats out sweat.” Good old Miranda, the voice of reason even though she’s in therapy because her friends don’t want to have a threesome with her, says “but he’s not with her anymore.” Carrie says, “probably because they stopped having wild sex.” Sam claims, “that’s why Ken’s fucking me. His wife wouldn’t even give him a blowjob.”

Miranda tries on a red lipstick and asks if it turns the girls on. They look at her like she’s holding a tapeworm. Sam says, “There’s only one thing left to do – check out the ex.”

“Charlotte was right. We don’t really know the people we sleep with. After all, what did I really know about Mr. big.” Oh this will be good! Yeah let’s examine this. You’ve been sleeping with him long enough to go from wild sex to sweet sex yet you know NOTHING about him?!

I guess his exwife is a woman named Barbara who works in publishing. Carrie MAKES AN APPOINTMENT to pitch a book to her. WHAT? WHAT? Okay – when Sam said she should check out the ex, I thought she’d find out where she hangs out and show there for a drink or something. NOT show to her place of employment and create this level of a façade! Oooh shit. This is going to be terrible. She shows to this appointment, meanwhile, in a schoolgirl style pleated black skirt and white socks and black heels with a tan shirt. Is she trying to visually state “I’m younger and hotter than you even though you don’t know who I am?” Her plan is to pitch her a bodice ripper that will get rejected just so she can get some face time. Barbara is beautiful according to Carrie. She’s alright. I thinks she’s just wearing the red lipstick Miranda tried on and has a decent part in her hair. It turns out she’s a huge fan of Carrie’s work, BUT it turns out she’s a children’s author. Ha. Hahahahah. Ha.

So on the spot, Carrie spins a tale about Cathy and her magic cigarettes and how when she lights up they will take you anywhere. “You want to do a children’s book about cigarettes”? “Well it’s a children’s book for adults.” “Oh this is great. I’ve been looking to do something with an edge.” What? Wait – what? This isn’t happening.

Sam bumps into the married dude and his wife and he brushes her off but not before Sam makes the mistake of saying, “sure I know him” before he makes the move to deny it. The wife gets a suspicious look in her eye.

Miranda has another dream. Now she’s wearing black and white pinstripe pants, a cream colored top, and a brown pinstripe men’s vest. Is she trying out for fiddler on the roof? Her dream this time is that her friends make her sit up front in a cab.
Her therapist says “still upset about being sexually rejected?” She says “Would you do a threesome with me.?” She then gives this really pathetic look that’s (I think?) an attempt at flirtation. “I think we need to talk about why you’re asking me that.” (YES! LET’S!) “I take that as a no?”

Carrie and Big in bed, and I have to say again that it doesn’t look like they enjoy kissing each other. She tries to put Barbara out of her mind…but she shows up like she’s a daydream to show Carrie how “it’s really done” and Carrie thinks, “you can’t avoid a threesome b/c even if it’s just you in the bed, someone has always been there before you.” YEAH – HELLO? What are you? Some kind of paranoid control freak? She turns away from Big and he asks her where she went to. She claims she’s preoccupied and tells him she’s thinking about her column. But it’s an obvious lie.
“You know, I didn’t tell you I was married b/c it was a long time ago.” He says there was an alienation of affection followed by divorce. “Let’s not talk about the past, please.” Okay but who was alienating who? “What Mr. Big didn’t realize is that the past was sleeping right next to me.” Oh please. GET OVER IT! This woman is his ex-wife! You can’t spend your life comparing yourself to imagined histories!

The next day she has lunch with Barbara. This woman is playing with fire! And she’s straightened her hair. Barbara tells her that the head guys didn’t go for Carrie’s story, but she still likes the project and “at the risk of sounding like a groupie, I’d really like it if we could become friends.” 2 hours and 4 Chardonnay’s later, Carrie gets the balls to ask if she’s been married before.
Once – a long time ago. He had a wandering eye – wandered right over to my best friend. What about you – seeing anyone? Carrie despondently responds, “no one special.”

Meanwhile, Samantha gets a phone call from Ken who says “It’s over, I told my wife.” Hahahahahahah. “I’m in love with you – now we can be together!” “oh no no no no no. Hang on – call waiting.” His WIFE is on the other line. She says that if being sexually adventuresome will keep the marriage together then she wants to join the threesome. Sam was a guest star. Being a series regular was not in the contract. She hangs up on both of them.

That night at a masked ball, Char feels free to indulge her fantasy and winks at a woman who is dressed like a peacock after Jack asks her who there is her type. She says her other fantasy is doing it upstairs at a party. So they head upstairs and find an empty bedroom. They start kissing and the peacock shows up and asks if she can join. Charlotte nods yes. Even though she’s ready to take the plunge, Jack ruins it for himself by plunging first and he and the peacock end up completely dismissing Charlotte because they are all over each other. So Charlotte leaves.
Meanwhile at a bar downtown…Miranda is wearing a cobalt dress with cleavage. It’s a great outfit…BUT it looks like she’s stole her necklace from Shaka Zulu.

She meets up with a couple who says it’s a relief to meet her because most of the women who answered their ad were butt ugly. Oh SHIT. She responded to an AD for threesomes!? They want to do it that night as a gift for his 30th birthday. She’s beside herself with excitement after saying “just so we’re clear – you want to have a threesome with me.” She says she needs to make a phone call but DITCHES them and leaves the bar! She gets her validation and her shrink suggests she goes 3 times a week.

Carrie hasn’t seen Mr. Big for 8 days. They are walking down the street after having dinner together. He looks like he’s in pain. “That was a great meal.” But he’s got sarcasm in his voice. “The food was terrible and we were talking to each other like strangers – what is wrong?”

“You drop these bombs on me but you don’t explain.”
Big: “I cheated on her.”
Carrie: “I know –she told me at lunch.”
Big: “I know she told me she told you.” Ha. “The reason we had the threesome is b/c we were both looking for something or someone else. Do you know anyone who is right for me?” And he pulls her in for a kiss. How is this the end of the conversation???? She’s been stewing for over a week and this is all it takes to explain it away? I think Darren Starr needed to wrap it up. And so do I, I guess.

“The real appeal of a threesome is that it’s easy. It’s intimacy that’s a bitch.” Yeah Carrie – I’d add that it MIGHT be a good idea to get to know the person you’re sleeping with. It might help with the intimacy.

And scene.

So once again I feel like I’ve made a lot of comments along the way here, but I have to add something that I was discussing with a friend the other night. When Sam said Carrie should check out the Ex, I know I was THINKING it. But thinking and doing are two different things. (Thank god for google and the ability to do these things from a safe distance.) But I also think it’s interesting that we lean on our friends for answers and advice but when we know for sure that they will totally say “don’t go there girl!” we totally leave them out of the decision process. Like, if Carrie had said to Sam, “okay, I’ve got it all figured out. I’m going to POSE as someone who wants to pitch a book and go to her office,” any self respecting friend would say, “Sweetie, you’re taking it too far.” It’s kind of like when Vivica Fox in “Two Can Play that Game” says that sometimes, talking to your ladies will only exacerbate the problem. Because when your friends are so busy being on your side they will hold you back. And sometimes we don’t need to be held back (As in Vivica’s case) but there are definitely situations that call for a good hold back. Like in Carrie’s case.

The whole storyline with Miranda at the therapist – a friend told me that it was when the show was further experimenting with Miranda being a lesbian. I will be curious to see if there are further therapy sessions in future. I might need some therapy when this is all over.